I'm worn

As I sit in bed trying to get the motivation to get out of bed and go to church this song pops up on my pandora station--  "Worn"

The lyrics come straight from my soul!
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I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn


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 I needed an anthem this morning, a way to express how tired I am, to be heard.  A friend heard me, God heard me and now I feel sufficiently strengthened to get out of bed and go to church. 

I have been hit and miss with this blog but today was such a testament to me that God hears me, He is trying to speak to me, if I listen closely I can hear Him.   I am so grateful for such a kind and loving Father in Heaven who cares so deeply about each and every one of His children. 

on my mind....

I'm just gonna dump the contents of my brain right here and go into it more later...

codependency or commitment

reaching for support vs cutting off all support

turning to God or blaming God

leap of faith into hard marriage work  or leap of faith into divorce and personal work

get a degree that would produce the best financial results or get a degree that I can use to make a difference in the world

kick him out or further separate at home

be vulnerable with him or block him out

apologize for something I didn't do to smooth family relations over or stand up for me and not hate myself at the end of the day

numb

music speaks to my soul like nothing else. 

David Archuleta's new song "Numb" has been on repeat. You can listen to it here. I think the lyrics are absolutely beautiful.  My favorite line from is in the chorus  

"it hurts to live so wide awake but its a chance I can take, I won't run run run 'cause I don't wanna feel numb."

I have been numb for so long, my whole marriage I was numb and it wasn't pretty. But I haven't been as numb lately, it hurts, the pain is real but now I have been able to feel joy too.  I am realizing how I am still numb in some ways, it challenges me to continue to change myself.  Its tempting to go back to being numb, especially when the pain starts to come from all angles. But I am seeing these experiences as learning oppotrunites instead of opportunities to run away :)   I am learning to really trust God, to speak my truth to Him and to those around me. To not be afraid to tell God when I am disappointed with how things are turning out. To share with God how I am scared to trust Him again because I didn't like the way it turned out last time.  I have been spiritually numb the last couple of days, I couldn't quiet place why. In writing about it and thinking about it I realized I have once again closed myself off from God. Because I was upset with Him for telling me to do something when it brought on challenges I didn't want.
So now I need to act on that knowledge and have some honest and real conversations with God.
I don't really want to be numb, so I am going to embrace the pain and know that joy will follow.

my current choices in life....

and these are my current choices summed up in one picture. 

I know God has a plan for me, I just wish I could see the next several steps, its like when you are following the directions and it tells you to merge onto one lane, stay there for 300 ft then take then merge onto another road stay on there for 500ft and then it finally tells you to merge onto the main highway/freeway. Thats my life right now, I want to see the bigger picture, know which highway to look out for and all I am getting is what to do in the next hundred feet.  I am learning patience, its a slow painful process.


I don't want to plagiarize, I didn't come up with the driving analogy, a dear friend did. You can read her really good post on this subject here.  She had a 2 miles at a time thing, but this feels like its literally just the next couple of feet or so, not even a mile.

Again

I am back on the crazy train. I invited Mr. Wonderful to come back... but to stay he has to meet certain requirements and has a list of things he must do daily.   I will share that list later but right now I want to share a song that has been on repeat for me these last couple of weeks... it speaks to my soul so well. its the words I have been unable to form. Its so beautiful, its so raw and real. Its so me!

its called "Again" by Jessie Clark Funk you can listen to it here on youtube

here are the lyrics:
I've wrestled with demons in darkness
I've wrestled with what has been lost
I carry this crashing weight on my shoulders
And try not to think of the cost

It's more than a single decision
It's giving a part of myself
It's something I simply can't do on my own
So I'm pleading with you for your help

Again and again I've asked myself why
I don't think that I have any tears left to cry
My soul is so tired I'm longing for rest
I'm giving my all and I'm doing my best
It hurts to move on from the place I am in 
But you understand where I've been
And you reassure me it's time to start over again

I'm finally ready to listen
I'm finally ready to hear
Struggling to get to a place you can reach me
Where peace can speak louder than fear

I can't see the end of the story
There is no way to know how it ends
For now I let go and I trust you to lead me
And show my hear where to begin

Again and again I've asked myself why
I don't think I had any tears left to cry
My soul is so tired I'm longing for rest
I'm giving my all and I'm doing my best
It hurts to move on from a place I am in 
But you understand where I've been
And you reassure me it's time to start over again

All of the pain and confusion I'm going through
I'm turning it over to you
Willing to trust it's the right thing to do

Again and again I've asked myself why
I don't think that I have any tears left to cry
My soul is so tired I'm longing for rest
I'm giving my all and I'm doing my best
It hurts to move on from a place I am in 
But you understand where I've been
And you reassure me it's time to start over again

friday funday

hypervigilance is my thang. 

While I stalk....er... check up on my husbands internet history tonight I am listening to a bunch of covers in minor keys. 

check out the fun here

seriously, I will never think of The Little Mermaid the same. 

Plus, I now have awesome background/theme music while I check up on my addict husband. 

happy and sad

This rose is the best visual representation I can find for me right now...

Credit is mine for this beauty :) 

On one side I am tattered, broken, dying and crying (see the little rain drop :) )

On the other I am "perfect, happy and energetic"

In the middle a new me is emerging, a me with both sides- happy and broken. But new, full of life and color... the hard part is just waiting for that me to emerge... which takes time, patience and lots of self care.