I'm worn

As I sit in bed trying to get the motivation to get out of bed and go to church this song pops up on my pandora station--  "Worn"

The lyrics come straight from my soul!
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I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn


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 I needed an anthem this morning, a way to express how tired I am, to be heard.  A friend heard me, God heard me and now I feel sufficiently strengthened to get out of bed and go to church. 

I have been hit and miss with this blog but today was such a testament to me that God hears me, He is trying to speak to me, if I listen closely I can hear Him.   I am so grateful for such a kind and loving Father in Heaven who cares so deeply about each and every one of His children. 

daily battles

These daily battles are going to kill me.

I wake up every morning feeling like I ran a marathon the day before.

The stress of being an addicts wife is so high... if he isn't acting out he is finally expressing his feelings and we are going through the fighting period.  My body is in constant fight mode. That is not good, that is not healthy.

How am I supposed to exercise daily if I am too exhausted to complete housework?

I am too tired to practice self-care...so I sleep. But then I have to get caught up at some point. I have to get the house clean, I have to cook food, I have to take care of my child. We have to see family and talk to them, I have to take care of my church responsibilities.

Short term solution is eating ice cream for breakfast (guilty as charged)
Long term solution???? I don't really know.

Moving away to someplace new where everyone knows what is going on so I don't feel pressure to be doing everything I am supposed to be doing.  Moving away to someplace new- just me and my child?  If I don't have to fight daily with my husband, that should free up some energy.  But then I take on a new kind of tired... the tired a single parent feels.

I need to live a much slower pace of life then the rest of the world and especially my family.  I just can't keep up... yet I keep on taking more. Because I have nothing to show for my exhaustion... so I must have time to do more.

In some ways I wish my family knew about my husbands addiction... in other ways its really nice to not have to worry about that backfiring.  Sometimes I just want to pretend that there is nothing wrong in my life, so its nice to be able to go to their house and do just that.

I need to pray more about activities in my life, to see what God wants me to focus on with the little energy I have.

how do you other women do it?? where do you draw the line? what is too much to handle while dealing with your husbands addiction?