Secondary Losses

In the world of grief and loss there is a term called "secondary losses". It reflects and honors the losses one incurs after a loss.

 I lost a baby a couple of months before I caught my husband. It was a stillbirth, I was thrown into this world of never ending sorrow on a daily basis. I was drowning, I had no idea how I could life with a loss like that. After a couple of months of not living and barely surviving I trusted God (after yelling at Him how unfair it all was) and its taken a lot of time but now I can breathe again without feeling so incredibly sad. I have even been happy again, which I never thought was possible.  I still miss my sweet baby oh so very much. But I know I will see him again, so I just have to wait. Its not like I won't ever see him again, because I will see him and I am excited for that day :)

Secondary losses around the loss of my child were-

• my home- we had to move for work to pay off medical bills so we packed everything up and I lost my home.
• a sense of happiness around pregnancy, totally gone. I get panicked whenever I think I might be pregnant because I don't feel like I am healthy enough to carry a baby right now. 
•  dreams of being done with school and moving on to starting a career and getting closer to buying our own home and putting roots down.
• friends- I lost friends... no one knew what to say and I was so lost in a world of grief I wasn't the happy go lucky person they all knew. Some of my friends said mean things, well, they probably didn't mean it that way but it all came out wrong and hurt so bad.

I have been thinking about this addiction and all the losses surrounding it. 

 I didn't *just* lose the trust and confidence in my spouse. I lost a lot of other things too... other dreams...

• I lost stability. Because of his addiction and his choices I can't count on him, I can't dream with him. Its all so different now. 
• We only have 1 living child, I wanted more. But now... how do I knowingly bring children into this situation?  I might be a single parent before long... bringing another child in isn't something I can just say "yes lets do it! God commanded it and we want it."  I have to pray and agonize over it... to find out that God says "not yet".... and I cry. My life is too stressful to go through a pregnancy right now, especially since my last child died. I think that is why God has said no, but no matter the reason I need to listen. He truly knows what is best. 
• financial stability.  We have a used car, a very used car.  We are at a point where we would love to just get a car that we won't have to worry about it dying. Take on a 3-5yr loan and buy a small new car. But I am left wondering... where should the money go? student loans? car repairs on our current car? buying a new car? therapy? a trip for me to replenish my soul and rest? savings in case he losses his job?  
• future financial stability- my husband hasn't finished school. If he didn't have an addiction, he would have finished by now. plain and simple. Now I am left with wondering would I ever feel comfortable with him going to school again? to have classmates for him to stare at and flirt with? I just don't even see him finishing school right now.  But he can't be a factory worker the rest of his life, he wants too many toys to be able to live off that income. 
• confidence in his ability to hold and use the priesthood.  I can't just ask him for a blessing without wondering if he is worthy, or if I want him to give me one. I wanted a worthy priesthood holder in my home so my children and I could be blessed.  Now I sorta have one... 

honestly the list could keep going, my reason for posting this is two-fold. 

This has all been on my mind lately, and I just wanted to complain about it, get out how I feel about it all. My second reason is to show how far-reaching the effects of lust addiction have.  It doesn't just make me wonder where his mind is when we are having sex, it doesn't just promote sex fasts, it doesn't just make me wonder where his heart is... it affects every single aspect of my life. It has hurt and continues to harm my dreams... I had the future, the dreams including that of having a faithful spouse.  All of my dreams have been shattered... it hurts. I am scared to dream again. Right now I pick a date, and I tell myself I can make it to that date. I can keep going just a little bit longer. my date is usually 2 1/2 months out. I hope as time goes on I can pick a date thats maybe 4 months out, or 6 months out.  

I have boundaries in place now. My limits are known, hopefully my hubby stands up to plate and is willing to change.  But I know by the end of the year I am going to know whether or not I can keep doing this for a couple of years or not. Part of me thinks I would be a great single mom, other parts get tired just thinking about that.  So I wait and pray.  I am asking God about that kind of stuff because I am too emotionally attached to make a good decision. Trusting God is scary, but I know it is the only safe thing to do.  I am so grateful that during this time God has blessed me with peace and strength. I don't feel strong, but the fact that I am still here is a blessing from God. 

I am working on chapter 7 of the Spouse and Family Support Guide from the ARP program.

Its on giving thanks in every thing.  It is perfectly timed for what I need! I really like this question 

"How can we acknowledge our difficulties without being consumed by them?"

.When you all figure it out let me know ;) It is one of the questions I will be pondering today... how do I not let it all consume me?  I am pretty sure the atonement comes into the picture and laying my burdens at the feet of the Savior... but I think there might be more for me to learn from this. 

daily battles

These daily battles are going to kill me.

I wake up every morning feeling like I ran a marathon the day before.

The stress of being an addicts wife is so high... if he isn't acting out he is finally expressing his feelings and we are going through the fighting period.  My body is in constant fight mode. That is not good, that is not healthy.

How am I supposed to exercise daily if I am too exhausted to complete housework?

I am too tired to practice self-care...so I sleep. But then I have to get caught up at some point. I have to get the house clean, I have to cook food, I have to take care of my child. We have to see family and talk to them, I have to take care of my church responsibilities.

Short term solution is eating ice cream for breakfast (guilty as charged)
Long term solution???? I don't really know.

Moving away to someplace new where everyone knows what is going on so I don't feel pressure to be doing everything I am supposed to be doing.  Moving away to someplace new- just me and my child?  If I don't have to fight daily with my husband, that should free up some energy.  But then I take on a new kind of tired... the tired a single parent feels.

I need to live a much slower pace of life then the rest of the world and especially my family.  I just can't keep up... yet I keep on taking more. Because I have nothing to show for my exhaustion... so I must have time to do more.

In some ways I wish my family knew about my husbands addiction... in other ways its really nice to not have to worry about that backfiring.  Sometimes I just want to pretend that there is nothing wrong in my life, so its nice to be able to go to their house and do just that.

I need to pray more about activities in my life, to see what God wants me to focus on with the little energy I have.

how do you other women do it?? where do you draw the line? what is too much to handle while dealing with your husbands addiction?

going in circles

Seems like I keep going over the same things again and again...
last night this was the thought I just can't get over..

Shouldn't it be easy enough to stop if he found me more attractive? Can't he just find my body- butt, boobs etc just as hot? why can't I satisfy his desires?? 


I was browsing other recovery blogs and I found this one- she says it so perfectly.

"Love shouldn't be a homework assignment"

https://iwouldrathernotbehere.wordpress.com/2015/03/20/love-shouldnt-be-a-homework-assignment/

you can bet I will be sending it to hubby...

How To Survive A Trip To The Beach

How To Survive A Trip To The Beach

(post dday)

Its summertime!! time for swimming, and sandcastles and lots of fun at the beach!  

here are 3 easy steps to make sure your trip to the beach goes as smoothly as it can...

Step 1

get ready for beach

Step 2

leave for beach

Step 3

Go home after arriving and seeing all the half naked woman prancing around. Rethink your life and if this crap is worth it. 

okay I am joking. Being married to a sex addict complicates every thing in your life. Including the beach. Here are 35 steps on how to actually survive a trip to the beach with your addict husband...

Step 1

put on your most comfortable swimsuit.

Step 2

 Look in the mirror while saying positive affirmations. 

I am beautiful.

My husband is crazy for ever wanting someone other than me. 

I am a rockstar.

I am enough. 

Step 3

let your sponsor know where you are going (or a friend who is aware of your situation)

Step 4

Pray

Step 5

hop in your car and mentally brace yourself for the onslaught of butts, stomachs and cleavage you are about to see. 

Step 6

breathe deep

Step 7

mentally swear at your husband and call him names for doing this to you

Step 8

leave first beach/pool when you see there is a high school graduation party and a million girls in bikinis

Step 9

tell your crying child that we will go to the beach just not that one because its broken.

Step 10

repeat steps 4-7 while texting your sponsor/friend for support.

Step 11

get to 2nd beach. decide you just can't do it so you sit in the car and cry while your hubby takes your child to the beach. 

Step 12

realize how sad you will be if you don't get to see your child's face when they play in the water and build sandcastles. 

Step 13

mentally swear at your husband again while you run to catch up to them

Step 14

get to the beach....watch your husbands eyes wander to the woman in a bikini and make a mental note to divorce the jerk. 

Step 15

see the delight on your child's face at being at the beach!

 take note of how the water flows around your body

 embrace the way the water makes you feel, so light and calm. 

Step 16

give your husband daggar eyes for looking at the other lady who shows up in a bikini

Step 17

Remind yourself why you are there... to be with your child and to make their day. 

Step 18

try not to mentally call the woman wearing make up and bikinis names for dressing that way. 

remember they are God's children too. 

Think about what lack of emotional connections has led them to make such poor choices

genuinely feel bad for them and how sad their life is that they are seeking attention in the wrong areas.

Step 19

stay as long as you want. don't let your husbands inability to function in public make you leave sooner than you want. 

if he is uncomfortable he can sit in the car and think about the choices he has made that has led him here. 

Step 20

make a mental note to research contacts or glasses your husband can wear that makes everyone look like distorted monsters and not the naked woman that they are. 

Step 21

release your anger towards your husband. 

throw sandballs (like a snowball but dirty and hard) at him. 

keep throwing them at him and add some shells for added flair until you feel better

(repeat as necessary)

Step 22

write in the sand all words that bring you sadness.

watch them wash away

embrace the symbolism and let it all wash away

Step 23

play with your child some more, embrace the happy moments. 

Step 24

leave the beach feeling awesome

 you just did the hardest thing a woman in your position could do

and you rocked it. 

Step 25

let it ALL out on your drive home. 

tell your sweet hubby how you felt and how it affected you.

Step 26

ask your sweet hubby to share with you what was on his mind and how he worked through it

Step 27

listen to him lie and say it was great

Step 28

call him out on that lie

Step 29

drag the truth out of him and help him realize his emotions and feelings

Step 30

help hubby come up with a better way to deal with his emotions and feelings

Step 31

report to your sponsor/friend how you did and talk through the hard spots

Step 32

say a prayer of thanks that the 2nd beach wasn't as busy

Step 33

rethink your summer plans of spending all day at the beach

Step 34

remember to not let your husbands addiction ruin your summer and ability to have fun

Step 35

plan another trip to the beach... but don't invite hubby this time 

:)