Thoughts on Intimacy

****Trigger warning.  These are my raw thoughts on intimacy, nothing is sugar coated. Its my story, my questions and none of them are questions and thoughts that I feel comfortable sharing in sunday school... so know you were warned ;)


What is the purpose of intimacy?


Outside of bringing children into the world- why do we have it?

Why are we filled with those desires?

What constitutes good/safe/healthy/holy intimacy?


These are questions that plague my mind often.

Being married to an addict means my idea of what marriage/intimacy is tainted. Its tainted just by association because the man that I learned about intimacy with, the man I explored this new world with was behind my back looking at and thinking about the filthy, dirty,lustful intimacy. All the while I wondered why I felt like we were lacking. I couldn't figure out why I felt so distant to him even though we were so close. I thought we needed more lust, more sexy lingerie and more sex.

I was wrong, but I didn't know that. I thought we needed to try the rougher sex, we needed to bring in more pleasure to be closer. We needed to be edgy because when we were dating having lines made it all the more desired, we struggled to keep those lines but we loved each other with a passion that I didn't think would ever go out.

Well my attempts didn't work. None of it did. You know why? because a lack of sex wasn't the problem, it was a lack of trust. Trust builds intimacy, without it intimacy is scary and its only one way.

Being so very vulnerable with someone you don't trust is scary. But I am married...its the only way we know how to show each other we love each other. Its our crutch.

We have tried the 30 day sex fast challenges to change that. interestingly enough when you are told you can't have something all of sudden you want it more. Whenever I started a fast with my husband he suddenly couldn't keep his hands off of me, he wanted me, so badly.  My weakness? I wanted to be wanted. I CRAVED to be wanted, I wanted to be desired, I wanted to be the object of his lustful appetite. I wanted my husband to want me.

I started reading a book called "Purity and Passion" by Wendy L. Watson (now Nelson) I only have a couple of chapters left but I haven't brought myself to finish it.  Its a good book, its a hard book. It challenged everything I rationalized away.  Reading it made me realize that I wasn't using this gift the right way.  I wanted to have the kind of intimacy the book eludes to... but its not found in the bedroom. Its found in the day to day living, its finding intimacy on other levels except sexual. Its building your relationship spiritually, emotionally, intellectually and physically.

Before reading the book I didn't fully realize that there was more than one level of intimacy! I didn't know that you had to be emotionally connected with your spouse to have good sex.  Sex founded on love not lust.  I thought it was all the same!
I stopped reading the book because it was too painful to see what I wanted and to know that my husband couldn't give that to me.

The girl inside of me that day dreamed about being married to a prince charming and riding off in the sunset had very different ideas about sexual intimacy than my prince charming did.

My line of thinking was tenderness, soft touch, sweet kisses and caressing, slow, kind and full of love. So much love that it spills out and we don't need passion fueled by a fire to be sexually intimate. We wouldn't need the hot, sweaty sex. That was in movies because there wasn't a real connection, so they had to fake it. I wanted a real connection so we wouldn't need that.

My prince charming and I read some marriage books before getting married, it brought us to the same page and our honeymoon was wonderful.  Sure we were still new to the whole sex thing so there was the learning curve involved but he showed me so much love and patience. With a start like that I thought we had found the golden ticket and we had started an amazing marriage that was rock solid. We could do this marriage thing easy peasy.

Well, shortly after returning to life, school, work and living with someone that patience was lost.  We figured out how to make it all work for him, for him to find pleasure in sexual intimacy and left it at that. He was too tired to have as much sex, he didn't want to keep playing around, he was always so tired that we just did the same routine or more often than not just a quickie.
You see, I thought that by making sure my husband was never sexually starved I was ensuring his faithfulness to me. Sex is something he has never eve lacked, I have NEVER withheld it from him. In fact, as the months and years progressed I initiated it more often than he did. I was basically begging for sex! and not quickies, I wanted the sexual intimacy that I had gone into our marriage wanting. I wanted soft, sweet and slow.  I wanted him. It was hard enough being rejected by him time and time again, what hurts more is knowing now that during those times that he rejected me he was acting out in his addiction. He rejected me for something else.  I put on candlelight dinners with soft music and me waiting for him in a nightgown to get off work or get back from school.  I only did that a couple of times because I would feel ridiculous, he didn't appreciate my effort or me! his wife sitting in front of him waiting and wanting him. I felt so awkward because that wasn't the reaction I wanted... he acted like I was crazy for wanting sex. He did that a lot. My heart hurts so much still thinking about those moments...those moments in time where I put myself in a vulnerable position and was rejected by someone I didn't think would reject me.
But he did reject me.... and I don't know if I will ever fully understand why he could and would do that to me.

Well after I caught him acting out the first time, we tried the sex fasts. We had long, open conversations about what we wanted, I read books, listened to talks and worked on establishing ground rules for healthy sexual intimacy.  It never lasted long though, "passion" always over ruled it.  It has gotten to the point now that I can't engage in that kind of sexual behavior with him without feeling so incredibly guilty, because I know I will hate myself after for doing that again.  I will hate myself for letting me down again. Alma counseled us in the Book of Mormon to "bridle all of our passions that we may be filled with love"... every time we/I didnt bridle anything I felt so guilty. I know that what we have isn't what I want.
We had a conversation about it again a couple of weeks ago...thankfully we were out of town and other things have come up so the opportunity to be intimate hasn't come up.  I prayed about it again... what does healthy sex look like?? what does sexual intimacy based on love not lust look like??

My husband likes to lie a lot, comes with being an addict.  So I asked him if he had watched a certain show. He said no.....then corrected that he hadn't seen a whole episode. I asked him if he just looked up the raunchy parts... he didnt answer.   Multiple times I have asked him if he has let behavior or ideas from what he has seen into the bedroom, if he has used me that way.
Every single time he has said no. It is different with me.

well you know what? I looked up on a parents guide what was in those shows that he didn't watch the full episodes on so he didn't "actually" watch.  SO many of those sexual encounters looked like they came right out of my bedroom! I don't know if it was the Spirit trying to tell me "hey look!!! you can't spend hours and hours watching porn and not let it affect your marriage!"  or if my self worth had gone that low that what we did could be described like that.
now before you go on thinking that its anything like 50 shades of grey its not... just the way they talked about stood out to me, screaming at me, that my sexual life mirrored that wayyy too closely.

So I haven't let him touch me for 2 days(which is a lot!)...we still share a bed. its hard... I don't know how to put into words my feelings of hurt and anger into a way that he would understand or appreciate my pain.

I was praying about this intimacy thing again... I am at such a loss. I know nothing else, he knows all the nasty stuff...what is sexual intimacy the way God intended???

Well after a long day of pondering a light clicked for me. Maybe I am wrong, but maybe this is right.

Maybe sexual intimacy doesn't have to be "passionate" or rough or anything. Maybe if we are both doing the things we should be doing, reading scriptures, praying daily, working hard, working together and enjoying life as a family maybe that will provide enough love in our life that it can spill over without needing to add fire to heat things up.  Maybe just letting it be and focusing on loving each other again, loving myself again, maybe that can bring the intimacy I crave.
At the end of a long day of taking care of children, paying bills, serving in the church and in the area...maybe I can one day look at my husband and feel so much love for him, so much respect and trust in him that I can want to be intimate without needing foreplay. Maybe him being him and me being me could be enough that we don't have to put on masks (not literal btw) pretending to be something we are not.

Maybe it really does come back to that scripture.. bridling my passions will fill me with love...

this idea is something I am going to keep pondering.... because surely God has a better way of intimacy than what pitiful empty sexual intimacy we have been using.


***update because I can't stop thinking about it so I need to get it out.
One of those times my husband rejected me I especially wont ever forget.  We had been married a short while and I was a couple of months pregnant with our child.  He had a late class that night so I made dinner, had candles out and was waiting in a sexy nightgown for him to come home. I greeted him at the door and instead of a happy to see me expression he looked puzzled and uncomfortable.
my heart sunk, I smiled and pretended to be so excited to see him. I sat down with him as he started eating dinner and he looks up at me and says "aren't you uncomfortable in that?" ouch ouch ouch ouch!!!!! who says that to their wife???? I was confident in what I was wearing until he said that. Then I wanted to crawl into a hole and die... I felt so embarrassed, rejected and ugly.
moral of the story... if your wife not only offers to have sex with you but greets you at the door in something you should have been all over don't reject her!

going in circles

Seems like I keep going over the same things again and again...
last night this was the thought I just can't get over..

Shouldn't it be easy enough to stop if he found me more attractive? Can't he just find my body- butt, boobs etc just as hot? why can't I satisfy his desires?? 


I was browsing other recovery blogs and I found this one- she says it so perfectly.

"Love shouldn't be a homework assignment"

https://iwouldrathernotbehere.wordpress.com/2015/03/20/love-shouldnt-be-a-homework-assignment/

you can bet I will be sending it to hubby...

I'm such a lovefool....

my favorite version of this popular song you can listen to here.

I have had it on repeat... I am such a lovefool. This whole time I was so worried about being alone, about losing him I didn't really care if he cared.... I just needed him to tell me he loved me.  Even though his actions were those of a man who didn't love his wife... I begged him to love me. I wanted him to keep fooling me... just tell me he loved me... because I needed him.   

Looking back... I feel like a complete idiot.  I bent over backwards for him. I sacrificed so much for him...now all I am left with is how could I have been so blind? I knew there was more to the story,  I knew that his heart wasn't mine, I knew I didn't like the way he talked about his coworkers and other women, I saw his wandering eyes soak in women all around him...why did I put up with his behavior? why didn't demand safety in my marriage? why didn't I stand up for myself??? 

I think that is the greater tragedy in this romance gone wrong... I let myself down.  I didn't stand up for me.  I just took it all and kept begging him to love me... 

Lovefool-

Dear, I fear we're facing a problem
You love me no longer, I know
And maybe there is nothing
That I can do to make you do
Mama tells me I shouldn't bother
That I ought to stick to another man
A man that surely deserves me
But I think you do!


So I cry, I pray and I beg


Love me love me
Say that you love me
Fool me fool me
Go on and fool me
Love me love me
Pretend that you love me
Leave me leave me
Just say that you need me
Love me love me
Say that you love me
Leave me leave me
Just say that you need me
I can't care 'bout anything but you...


Lately I have desperately pondered,
Spent my nights awake and I wonder
What I could have done in another way
To make you stay
Reason will not lead to solution
I will end up lost in confusion
I don't care if you really care
As long as you don't go


So I cry, I pray, and I beg


Love me, love me
Say that you love me
Fool me, fool me
Go on and fool me
Love me, love me
Pretend that you love me
Leave me, leave me
Just say that you need me
So I cry, and I pray for you to
Love me, love me
Say that you love me
Leave me, leave me
Just say that you need me
I can't care 'bout anything but you...


Anything but you...


Love me, love me (Say that you love me)
Fool me, fool me (Go on and fool me)
Love me, love me (I know that you need me)
I can't care 'bout anything but you..

How To Survive A Trip To The Beach

How To Survive A Trip To The Beach

(post dday)

Its summertime!! time for swimming, and sandcastles and lots of fun at the beach!  

here are 3 easy steps to make sure your trip to the beach goes as smoothly as it can...

Step 1

get ready for beach

Step 2

leave for beach

Step 3

Go home after arriving and seeing all the half naked woman prancing around. Rethink your life and if this crap is worth it. 

okay I am joking. Being married to a sex addict complicates every thing in your life. Including the beach. Here are 35 steps on how to actually survive a trip to the beach with your addict husband...

Step 1

put on your most comfortable swimsuit.

Step 2

 Look in the mirror while saying positive affirmations. 

I am beautiful.

My husband is crazy for ever wanting someone other than me. 

I am a rockstar.

I am enough. 

Step 3

let your sponsor know where you are going (or a friend who is aware of your situation)

Step 4

Pray

Step 5

hop in your car and mentally brace yourself for the onslaught of butts, stomachs and cleavage you are about to see. 

Step 6

breathe deep

Step 7

mentally swear at your husband and call him names for doing this to you

Step 8

leave first beach/pool when you see there is a high school graduation party and a million girls in bikinis

Step 9

tell your crying child that we will go to the beach just not that one because its broken.

Step 10

repeat steps 4-7 while texting your sponsor/friend for support.

Step 11

get to 2nd beach. decide you just can't do it so you sit in the car and cry while your hubby takes your child to the beach. 

Step 12

realize how sad you will be if you don't get to see your child's face when they play in the water and build sandcastles. 

Step 13

mentally swear at your husband again while you run to catch up to them

Step 14

get to the beach....watch your husbands eyes wander to the woman in a bikini and make a mental note to divorce the jerk. 

Step 15

see the delight on your child's face at being at the beach!

 take note of how the water flows around your body

 embrace the way the water makes you feel, so light and calm. 

Step 16

give your husband daggar eyes for looking at the other lady who shows up in a bikini

Step 17

Remind yourself why you are there... to be with your child and to make their day. 

Step 18

try not to mentally call the woman wearing make up and bikinis names for dressing that way. 

remember they are God's children too. 

Think about what lack of emotional connections has led them to make such poor choices

genuinely feel bad for them and how sad their life is that they are seeking attention in the wrong areas.

Step 19

stay as long as you want. don't let your husbands inability to function in public make you leave sooner than you want. 

if he is uncomfortable he can sit in the car and think about the choices he has made that has led him here. 

Step 20

make a mental note to research contacts or glasses your husband can wear that makes everyone look like distorted monsters and not the naked woman that they are. 

Step 21

release your anger towards your husband. 

throw sandballs (like a snowball but dirty and hard) at him. 

keep throwing them at him and add some shells for added flair until you feel better

(repeat as necessary)

Step 22

write in the sand all words that bring you sadness.

watch them wash away

embrace the symbolism and let it all wash away

Step 23

play with your child some more, embrace the happy moments. 

Step 24

leave the beach feeling awesome

 you just did the hardest thing a woman in your position could do

and you rocked it. 

Step 25

let it ALL out on your drive home. 

tell your sweet hubby how you felt and how it affected you.

Step 26

ask your sweet hubby to share with you what was on his mind and how he worked through it

Step 27

listen to him lie and say it was great

Step 28

call him out on that lie

Step 29

drag the truth out of him and help him realize his emotions and feelings

Step 30

help hubby come up with a better way to deal with his emotions and feelings

Step 31

report to your sponsor/friend how you did and talk through the hard spots

Step 32

say a prayer of thanks that the 2nd beach wasn't as busy

Step 33

rethink your summer plans of spending all day at the beach

Step 34

remember to not let your husbands addiction ruin your summer and ability to have fun

Step 35

plan another trip to the beach... but don't invite hubby this time 

:)

 

Facebook/short version of "our story"

Dear Facebook,

I have a love-hate relationship with you.

Why? you might ask... well it all started out with wanting approval.
It wasn't enough to just have "friends",  if they really cared about me they would "like" and comment on my posts/pictures.  When I first signed up it wasn't as big of a deal, it was exciting. I could finally stay in contact with all of my friends in one place.
 Then it started to change... I saw relationships paraded all over and lovey dovey tags for couples from each other declaring their undying love for another.

I wanted that. I wanted a man who would declare to the world aka you facebook that he loved me with all of his heart, mind and soul. I wanted a man who made it clear to everyone that he could literally not live without me in his life, I was so needed and wanted.  I wasn't sure of my identity and whose I was so I sought attention where I could.

fast forward a couple of years. I meet a guy, he is nice and sweet and perfect and just everything I could ever want. Well, except for the bragging about me part. He didn't really like doing that, ever.  I pushed it aside and focused on all of the good qualities that made him marriage material and off to the altar we went.
When we were dating I made it very clear that I was a taken woman and cut out friendships that were more there for dating purposes than actual friends. In fact, I cut out almost all of my male friends.  My amazing husband who adored me didn't have anyone on his friends list that he had ever really liked  because he had had only one girlfriend and one kiss before me. I was way better than any "crushes" he had ever had (I mean come on, I am an amazing wife and woman and I felt so wanted and beautiful, no one truly compared to me in his eyes.) so I felt secure in knowing that all of those "girls" on his page were just his attempts at being a nice guy and accepting his sisters friends requests to be friends.  Of course they weren't a threat to me, if anything, I won, because I married Mr. Wonderful.

 Soon we had a sweet spirit join our family. I thought by this time he would start bragging to his friends about his amazing wife and baby.  You know, the wife who cooked homemade meals, did all of his laundry, gave him thoughtful and homemade gifts and learned how to recreate his favorite foods and make them better than he ever had them. The same wife who would put texting him, calling him, being there for him first.  Who ALWAYS asked for sex. Even begged for it... yeah that wife. She wanted a little love and a little praise.
So what did she do? she gave him some hints.. she faked it for him. She started posting for him so that he would catch on to what she wanted. So he would know what made her feel validated, wanted and safe.  He would take note, and tell her he would start posting more.
She waits... and still nothing...
back to the hints. More hints and more posting and more faking it.. before I realized it.... 95% of his posts were by me.  They were all me. He only posted about his child twice... maybe.  The only time he posted about me, was to brag about something he did.   The message I got, I wasn't enough. He didn't love me enough to shout it from the roof tops... I guess I better try harder.

All the while, those girls posting selfies and post workout pictures made me more uncomfortable.  I started unfollowing them for him.  He never said anything to me so obviously he wasn't looking in the first place. Phew! that was a close one.

Let me rewind for a second. Shortly after we were married Mr. Wonderful disclosed to me that he had slipped up and was having issues with porn again. It wasn't anything "super bad, no videos just pictures of models"... I was pregnant and scared. I was so worried he would leave me for someone better looking. We worked so hard at not having slip ups. The only time he ever was tempted to look was at work so we took away the internet. Problem solved. The fact that he spent hours by himself at home with my mobile device, hours at school with a computer and later hours at work "reading" from his own mobile device didn't even phase me. If he had issues with those, he would tell me. We were a solid couple. We beat a porn addiction together. Nothing could come between us. Yet I wasn't feeling any closer to him...I still felt this distance.  I brushed it aside and focused on being the amazing couple that I wanted us to be. The perfect fb couple... who openly love each other. That was my goal, to have him be so proud of me and to brag about me.

During this whole time the amount of inappropriate pages that would pop up on my newsfeed was increasing. At first I attributed it to the fallen world we live in and thought it was just another one of your ploys to gather information and to take a good tool and turn it bad.  Then I thought it had to do with where we lived (sin city).  Now I am realizing that the devices my husband never looked up porn on were indeed used for that purpose. Those same devices that I was signed in on.

Facebook, why didn't you tell me sooner. Why did it take me so long to realize how everything connects.   That the reason why I am greeted with muck and filth and sadness every time I sign in is because of Mr. Wonderful's horrible choices.  The soft porn/hard porn profile pictures with the phrase "7M people like her" under every single one, reminding me how not even one man thinks I am enough is there every day because of his choices.

Mr. Wonderful got rid of his account *finally* after realizing how serious I was about leaving him. I was finally more important. But now... no one knows that.
 I spent so many hours searching his account, trying to figure out what exactly he looked at. I read and re-read all of his deleted messages.  I learned a lot about him through those. I learned how many of those "friends" were more than just crushes... they are women he lusted after. Women he wanted.  What really hurt was finding out how much he had messaged a girl when we were dating. He kissed and grinded on her in high school, and sexted her too. But kinda forgot those details when I met and then married him... hers was my go to message to read when I wanted to really feel like crap. Over and over again... I would match up the dates. the content. The flirting... while I was declining dates and moving towards a relationship with him he was keeping his options open. Ouch. He agreed to go exclusive with me and stopped messaging all of the other women... but he never unfriended them.  They weren't an issue for him.. obviously... its not like he went back and masturbated to them when we were married. No, Mr. Wonderful would never  do that. He would never lust after the very women who made me feel insecure about myself. He wouldn't be that selfish.. because he was Mr. Wonderful.
Mr Wonderful sacrificed so much for me and our child... he didn't have a selfish bone in his body... in fact... I should be more like him. I really should have been less selfish and not hold him to such a high standard and talk to him so much. I should have been more considerate about his sleep schedule than I was about being intimate with him... once a week is enough intimacy to keep a marriage running smoothly...I should have been less selfish and not asked to be close to him so much. I was too demanding of him.

Now, my lovely Facebook, I am the only one who uses you.  My problems should be solved. Mr. Wonderful cant misuse you anymore and I can't be hurt by who he is friends with anymore.
Wait a second... what was that? oh yeah, my mother in law just liked a picture... a picture of someone who better captured my husbands attention than I did.

Oh and whats that? yeah, thanks for reminding me of that... those same girls are his sisters best friends. The ones he saw at her wedding and swore to me that they were never a problem. He never did anything bad with them... ever. Why? because he is Mr. Wonderful. He doesn't have it in him to hurt me like that, remember?
oh wait.. there is more. You mean he did masturbate and fantasize about them....

His coworker that I reached out to share the gospel with she would never be a problem.  He finds her so annoying. She and I are friends, she likes all my posts and pictures. Especially those of Mr. Wonderful and our child.  She is nice that is all...
wait a second, you mean to tell me that they were more friendly than they should have been, his intentions were not pure at all.  I didn't know that, well I mean, I suspected... but he promised me it wasn't like that.

Facebook, you seem to know so much about everyone, do you happen to know what Brittany looks like? you know, the woman he currently works with that he struggles to have pure thoughts about. Yeah, I would really like to know who is worth risking so much for.

Wow, she isn't what I thought she would be like. She isn't that much different than me. Thinner yes, but she hasn't borne children yet. She isn't the super model I thought she would have to be to capture his attention.
wait, she is friends with Sam- the other woman he works with and struggles with. Yes, please show me more.

Okay wow, she is gorgeous. needy and an emotional mess, but still gorgeous. I can't compete with that.  I can see why he struggles... they are beautiful... it really must be my fault. I am just not pretty enough for him.  Thanks for giving me the answers.. I can see it now.

Oh cool, here is his friend from work, the only safe friend because its a guy.  WOAH- he is following strippers. Nice... Mr. Wonderful really enjoys his friendship. I hope he can stay friends but seeing what I see now.. I don't want him to be friends with someone who follows that.

This is all so hard. All I am getting is pain from our relationship facebook.  You give me exactly what I want... which probably isn't what I need.

It hurts to see it all... to have access to it all. The self inflicted pain. If it wasn't that you are the easiest way to stay caught up with family and friends, I would be done with you by now.  Speaking of which... that is hard too. I have to be careful with what I post, I am trying to be authentic now. But not too authentic... because that would make people sad. I will only share uplifting or happy news now with the occasional honest post with how I really feel.  That isn't too much pressure, I can stifle my voice a little.

wait I can't do that anymore... its eating me up inside. I have to get it out... I need to share with someone.  Its not perfectly written and probably doesn't make sense, but my voice needs to be heard, what I have to say needs to come out.

Facebook, you are a nice tool, but I can't express myself with you anymore. You aren't a safe place for me.

I wish I had known how dangerous and hurtful you could be... now I know.

I have learned a lot from you, but the most important lesson I have learned from you is that it is all fake. The numbers, the likes, the comments... none of that truly matters. What matters is that God loves me. That is something you haven't done a good job of reminding me about.  Until you can do that, I can't be me with you.  I need to find new avenues to find strength and support during this journey we call life. You will still be apart of my life... but I am finally taking my emotions and actively trying to find a better place to set them.  I am going to remind myself every day that it doesn't really matter what people on social media think about me, I am an awesome person. Not because I do awesome things but because God loves me.  I am enough.

I am truly enough.

I hope you become a better place to share that message with, until you do. Adieu...
and blogspot here I come ;)