daily battles

These daily battles are going to kill me.

I wake up every morning feeling like I ran a marathon the day before.

The stress of being an addicts wife is so high... if he isn't acting out he is finally expressing his feelings and we are going through the fighting period.  My body is in constant fight mode. That is not good, that is not healthy.

How am I supposed to exercise daily if I am too exhausted to complete housework?

I am too tired to practice self-care...so I sleep. But then I have to get caught up at some point. I have to get the house clean, I have to cook food, I have to take care of my child. We have to see family and talk to them, I have to take care of my church responsibilities.

Short term solution is eating ice cream for breakfast (guilty as charged)
Long term solution???? I don't really know.

Moving away to someplace new where everyone knows what is going on so I don't feel pressure to be doing everything I am supposed to be doing.  Moving away to someplace new- just me and my child?  If I don't have to fight daily with my husband, that should free up some energy.  But then I take on a new kind of tired... the tired a single parent feels.

I need to live a much slower pace of life then the rest of the world and especially my family.  I just can't keep up... yet I keep on taking more. Because I have nothing to show for my exhaustion... so I must have time to do more.

In some ways I wish my family knew about my husbands addiction... in other ways its really nice to not have to worry about that backfiring.  Sometimes I just want to pretend that there is nothing wrong in my life, so its nice to be able to go to their house and do just that.

I need to pray more about activities in my life, to see what God wants me to focus on with the little energy I have.

how do you other women do it?? where do you draw the line? what is too much to handle while dealing with your husbands addiction?

going in circles

Seems like I keep going over the same things again and again...
last night this was the thought I just can't get over..

Shouldn't it be easy enough to stop if he found me more attractive? Can't he just find my body- butt, boobs etc just as hot? why can't I satisfy his desires?? 


I was browsing other recovery blogs and I found this one- she says it so perfectly.

"Love shouldn't be a homework assignment"

https://iwouldrathernotbehere.wordpress.com/2015/03/20/love-shouldnt-be-a-homework-assignment/

you can bet I will be sending it to hubby...

How To Survive A Trip To The Beach

How To Survive A Trip To The Beach

(post dday)

Its summertime!! time for swimming, and sandcastles and lots of fun at the beach!  

here are 3 easy steps to make sure your trip to the beach goes as smoothly as it can...

Step 1

get ready for beach

Step 2

leave for beach

Step 3

Go home after arriving and seeing all the half naked woman prancing around. Rethink your life and if this crap is worth it. 

okay I am joking. Being married to a sex addict complicates every thing in your life. Including the beach. Here are 35 steps on how to actually survive a trip to the beach with your addict husband...

Step 1

put on your most comfortable swimsuit.

Step 2

 Look in the mirror while saying positive affirmations. 

I am beautiful.

My husband is crazy for ever wanting someone other than me. 

I am a rockstar.

I am enough. 

Step 3

let your sponsor know where you are going (or a friend who is aware of your situation)

Step 4

Pray

Step 5

hop in your car and mentally brace yourself for the onslaught of butts, stomachs and cleavage you are about to see. 

Step 6

breathe deep

Step 7

mentally swear at your husband and call him names for doing this to you

Step 8

leave first beach/pool when you see there is a high school graduation party and a million girls in bikinis

Step 9

tell your crying child that we will go to the beach just not that one because its broken.

Step 10

repeat steps 4-7 while texting your sponsor/friend for support.

Step 11

get to 2nd beach. decide you just can't do it so you sit in the car and cry while your hubby takes your child to the beach. 

Step 12

realize how sad you will be if you don't get to see your child's face when they play in the water and build sandcastles. 

Step 13

mentally swear at your husband again while you run to catch up to them

Step 14

get to the beach....watch your husbands eyes wander to the woman in a bikini and make a mental note to divorce the jerk. 

Step 15

see the delight on your child's face at being at the beach!

 take note of how the water flows around your body

 embrace the way the water makes you feel, so light and calm. 

Step 16

give your husband daggar eyes for looking at the other lady who shows up in a bikini

Step 17

Remind yourself why you are there... to be with your child and to make their day. 

Step 18

try not to mentally call the woman wearing make up and bikinis names for dressing that way. 

remember they are God's children too. 

Think about what lack of emotional connections has led them to make such poor choices

genuinely feel bad for them and how sad their life is that they are seeking attention in the wrong areas.

Step 19

stay as long as you want. don't let your husbands inability to function in public make you leave sooner than you want. 

if he is uncomfortable he can sit in the car and think about the choices he has made that has led him here. 

Step 20

make a mental note to research contacts or glasses your husband can wear that makes everyone look like distorted monsters and not the naked woman that they are. 

Step 21

release your anger towards your husband. 

throw sandballs (like a snowball but dirty and hard) at him. 

keep throwing them at him and add some shells for added flair until you feel better

(repeat as necessary)

Step 22

write in the sand all words that bring you sadness.

watch them wash away

embrace the symbolism and let it all wash away

Step 23

play with your child some more, embrace the happy moments. 

Step 24

leave the beach feeling awesome

 you just did the hardest thing a woman in your position could do

and you rocked it. 

Step 25

let it ALL out on your drive home. 

tell your sweet hubby how you felt and how it affected you.

Step 26

ask your sweet hubby to share with you what was on his mind and how he worked through it

Step 27

listen to him lie and say it was great

Step 28

call him out on that lie

Step 29

drag the truth out of him and help him realize his emotions and feelings

Step 30

help hubby come up with a better way to deal with his emotions and feelings

Step 31

report to your sponsor/friend how you did and talk through the hard spots

Step 32

say a prayer of thanks that the 2nd beach wasn't as busy

Step 33

rethink your summer plans of spending all day at the beach

Step 34

remember to not let your husbands addiction ruin your summer and ability to have fun

Step 35

plan another trip to the beach... but don't invite hubby this time 

:)

 

thoughts at the end of the day...

my internal struggle with forgiving a man who may hurt me by his actions daily and trying to build a marriage with him too.

I feel like if I stay I am devaluing marriage and saying it doesn't really matter that one is faithful because I stayed anyways. if I leave then I am devaluing it because I didn't fight for it- there is no perfect choice, no easy way out. there is just pain every where, touching everything... and if I ignore it I feel okay for awhile. then it comes back to haunt me.
I spent my day planning a fun summer vacation... my husband just spent an hour trying to figure out the logistics of getting a car from his grandparents- then it hit me. We are moving on... but we aren't moving forward. no work on disclosure tonight- no disclosure from work. it felt quiet. I liked quiet. it didn't hurt. but now that it is time to go to bed... my mind races... what happened today. why does he get along so well with his coworkers and why does that make me feel so uneasy. I try to stop myself from going there... trust in God. it will be okay. I need to give Him my burden. what does that look like right now? how do I do that? I thought once a day was good enough... last night I realized its every time I try to take that pain back is when I need to pray and give it back. I want to cry though, so I take it anyways. crying validates what I am going through. it does hurt. this does suck.

I need to surrender more to God. I want to surrender more... but its hard work.

Do What Is Right

I never fully appreciated this hymn until now.  As I was singing it I thought how it so perfectly fits my life and also how it can apply to my husbands life. 

1. Do what is right; the day-dawn is breaking,

Hailing a future of freedom and light.

Angels above us are silent notes taking

Of ev'ry action; then do what is right!

The Angels above us are taking notes of everything we do and everything that those around us do.  I don't have to worry about keeping track of all of the times my husband has hurt me through his choices, I can forgive him and let go of it.  I love how freeing it is to look towards a future full of light... so much hope in that statement. 

2. Do what is right; the shackles are falling.

Chains of the bondsmen no longer are bright;

Lightened by hope, soon they'll cease to be galling.

Truth goeth onward; then do what is right!

"soon they'll cease to be *galling"  each day the shackles continue to fall and the grip isn't as tight... one day at  time and it does get better. A little bit at a time... but it does get better. I don't have to give in to the temptation to hate myself and think I am not enough for my husband or not enough for anyone else. I can love myself and as I do that those shackles get lighter and cease to be galling. 

3. Do what is right; be faithful and fearless.

Onward, press onward, the goal is in sight.

Eyes that are wet now, ere long will be tearless.

Blessings await you in doing what's right!

Life won't always feel this bad, it won't always hurt this bad. The tears will cease and as I keep going onward and keeping my goals in sight I will be blessed. 

(Chorus)

Do what is right; let the consequence follow.

Battle for freedom in spirit and might;

And with stout hearts look ye forth till tomorrow.

God will protect you; then do what is right!

Do what is right... just let the consequences follow. God will protect us as we do what is right. 

*gall·ing

ˈɡôliNG/

adjective

1. annoying; humiliating.

   "the loss was particularly galling"

   synonyms:

   annoying, irritating, vexing,  vexatious, infuriating, maddening, irksome, provoking,exasperating, trying, tiresome, troublesome, bothersome, displeasing, disagreeable; informalaggravating "his hypocrisy was galling"

Lyrics

1. 1. Do what is right; the day-dawn is breaking,
   Hailing a future of freedom and light.
   Angels above us are silent notes taking
   Of ev'ry action; then do what is right!
2. (Chorus)
   Do what is right; let the consequence follow.
   Battle for freedom in spirit and might;
   And with stout hearts look ye forth till tomorrow.
   God will protect you; then do what is right!
3. 2. Do what is right; the shackles are falling.
   Chains of the bondsmen no longer are bright;
   Lightened by hope, soon they'll cease to be galling.
   Truth goeth onward; then do what is right!
4. 3. Do what is right; be faithful and fearless.
   Onward, press onward, the goal is in sight.
   Eyes that are wet now, ere long will be tearless.
   Blessings await you in doing what's right!
5. Text: Anon., The Psalms of Life, Boston, 1857
   Music: George Kaillmark, 1781-1835