as cheesy as it sounds recovery is like riding a bike...you first have to learn how to ride it before you can enjoy it.
We all start out on these lovely tricycles. We focus on learning how to steer and how to peddle.
Right now my focus point is loving myself...I am trying to get to a place where I can just love myself. But I am not strong enough and sometimes I peddle so hard and so fast and give it all my might that...
I fall.
It hurts, but it is more discouraging than actual pain. You see, I am already close to the ground. I haven't put myself out there yet. I am still playing it safe, not getting my hopes up and not so sure that I am actually able to do this.
But with encouragement I get back on again and I try and try again.
Once I am fairly comfortable with my ability to steer and endure I take on the next challenge.
Balance.
Balance is hands down the hardest part to learn. You know why? because that comes from within you. You can find direction and you can find help to keep going on but finding your own balance is the hardest part. Only you can find your own personal balance, only you can know what is right for you.
My balance is in need of lots of work...I tend to swing from one extreme to another and exhausted from the all the effort.
while you work on finding that balance we upgrade to a big girl bike with training wheels.
We are confident, we mastered the tricycle, this can't be that hard. Plus we laid down some rules, must have a basket, pink streamers and a princess helmet with the crown firmly in place.
but we find ourselves falling again. It hurts more than it did the last time. We are up higher, we thought we had this- I thought I could soar. But I haven't practiced enough yet...so I fall.
I keep falling, over and over again.
Sometimes I sit there and cry. I look at my cuts and bruises and scream how it isn't fair.
sometimes the drama queen in me comes out and I just lay there waiting for someone to rescue me, for someone to fix it all.
But eventually I get back up and I try again. This time, I found a friend. A friend who has been doing this whole thing longer than I have... she gently helps me steer my bike and is there with me while I build up the courage to do this again. She understands how scary this is, she has been there. She is still learning in a way herself.
.
A word of caution though: when you start looking for friends and support, be careful. Some people might think they know what is best for you, they want to take charge and show you how to ride your bike.
This is your own personal bike though, your purple bike with pink streamers and a basket. No one can tell you how to ride it.
The next step is another step of growth...
you ditch the training wheels.
your falls have happened less often and your time to cry has shortened. You are learning to bounce back faster.
so you proceed with cautious excitement.
Even though you are getting better at finding the right balance in life (exercise, sleep, scripture study, parenting, family time, you time, service and a million other things that you want to do in this life) you are getting better at keeping your goal in sight, you still remember what it feels like to fall.
After you have biked for awhile with no recent falls, you know you can do this.
You are fall proof!
yay! we did it!!
but then... life happens...and then you have to learn how to ride your bike...
in the rain. You see, while your focus has been on finding balance, focus and strength... life for everyone else has moved on.
The rain can be different things for different people... job loss, death in the family, injury, illness or even having friends turn their back on you. Rain is sorrow on top of all the scary and hard work you are doing. Whatever your rain might be... you are stuck with it.
My rain right now is the loss of a dream, I had this idea of what I wanted my family to look like, how many kids I would have and what life growing up would look like for those amazing children. Well, I only have one child here on earth, I didn't grow up a single child. I have no clue how to relate to her, I don't know what she will need. How much time from me is needed and how much play time on her own is needed for her to grow up happy. I hope one day to add to my family but for now I have to learn how to raise an only child. It feels like a torrential downpour.
but...
I have to keep going.
When it starts to rain, its a good time to ask for help.
When you try doing it by yourself this usually happens...
You simply are not experienced enough to handle rain and biking at the same time.
Eventually you get to the point where you get yourself a poncho, some form of safety that brings you peace and comfort during the rain.
That poncho can be just as different for people as the rain they are facing. I like to think that the poncho is a gift from God. His tender mercy to bring me some form of comfort in my time of need.
Now don't go thinking this is all rain and sadness... with this bike I have learned to ride I can find happiness. I wouldn't have found the happiness without going through the hard work.
I can see places I haven't seen yet, I have a different view now.
I can even have fun now! no more cautious excitement, this is true joy and happiness.
but then.. before I can stop it from happening I see myself falling again, I can sense and see it but I can't do anything about it.
So I take a break from biking.
This bike that brought me so much pain before did it again. I just need some time away from it. to ignore it... recovery work is hard and when you fall it feels impossible to keep up.
So bring on the ice cream and netflix.
but remember that friend helped before, she is still there. And I have even more friends now... so after I am done pouting and being lazy.
they help me get back on my bike again.
These friends who keep encouraging you and helping you to be your best self are the best friends to have around.
Together you make a pretty rockin' bikers gang.
So we get back on that path and we keep riding.
No matter the weather we keep going.
and that rain that keeps coming...
Well it turns out when you have the right support it is even easier to keep riding in.
Sometimes its hard to want to keep going
but people are cheering you on, don't give up.
because eventually you find that happy place, that place of peace that only your bike can get you to...
but it doesn't stop there. If you keep riding your bike, you keep taking the chance and risking the fall you will eventually become this awesome grandma...
So even though it is hard to get up every day and hop on that bike again. Keep going, keep trying. You can do this. You are awesome.
It is hurts when you fall, but with every fall you learn how to avoid that pothole. You learn how to better control your recovery and life. You continue to find tune that balance that makes soaring possible.
plus... once you learn how to ride a bike. You never ever forget.
p.s. in case you think recovery can work like this
it can't. No man can fix you and make it all better. You are the one who has to learn how to find that balance otherwise you keep falling...
*unless noted on the picture all images are off of google with no credit attached...
