answers...

I stare at my computer just looking for answers.

I have it open and ready just waiting for inspiration to lead me to which website/email/folder I can find the answers in.

I wait... I will literally wait a couple of minutes just waiting for inspiration to come.

no inspiration comes... my mind is blank.

I stare at my husbands phone (both his old one and new one) I look at them.
I hold them in my hand and just wait for direction... where do I go for the answers?
which app/folder contains the secrets I so desperately want to know???

I just want answers! I want to know if he is telling me the truth. I want to know all of it, I just want to know it all. What was truly the extent?? is he currently acting out? who knew what? how many of the women that he flirted with knew me and felt pity for him that he was stuck with me??

I can run around in circles and stare at the computer all day but I will never find the answers there.  That is the hard truth.  The only answers I will truly find are on my knees, asking God to help me know which questions need answers. Then I can get up and go to work and have God's strength and wisdom helping me throughout my day.  Sometimes after I pray I realize I don't need those answers as much as I did before... sometimes they bother me even more than they did before! but I am learning to trust in God, to wait on His timing and to keep asking my questions and seeking answers from Him.  Its a hard and exhausting wait.  But I am hopeful it will be worth it.

Secondary Losses

In the world of grief and loss there is a term called "secondary losses". It reflects and honors the losses one incurs after a loss.

 I lost a baby a couple of months before I caught my husband. It was a stillbirth, I was thrown into this world of never ending sorrow on a daily basis. I was drowning, I had no idea how I could life with a loss like that. After a couple of months of not living and barely surviving I trusted God (after yelling at Him how unfair it all was) and its taken a lot of time but now I can breathe again without feeling so incredibly sad. I have even been happy again, which I never thought was possible.  I still miss my sweet baby oh so very much. But I know I will see him again, so I just have to wait. Its not like I won't ever see him again, because I will see him and I am excited for that day :)

Secondary losses around the loss of my child were-

• my home- we had to move for work to pay off medical bills so we packed everything up and I lost my home.
• a sense of happiness around pregnancy, totally gone. I get panicked whenever I think I might be pregnant because I don't feel like I am healthy enough to carry a baby right now. 
•  dreams of being done with school and moving on to starting a career and getting closer to buying our own home and putting roots down.
• friends- I lost friends... no one knew what to say and I was so lost in a world of grief I wasn't the happy go lucky person they all knew. Some of my friends said mean things, well, they probably didn't mean it that way but it all came out wrong and hurt so bad.

I have been thinking about this addiction and all the losses surrounding it. 

 I didn't *just* lose the trust and confidence in my spouse. I lost a lot of other things too... other dreams...

• I lost stability. Because of his addiction and his choices I can't count on him, I can't dream with him. Its all so different now. 
• We only have 1 living child, I wanted more. But now... how do I knowingly bring children into this situation?  I might be a single parent before long... bringing another child in isn't something I can just say "yes lets do it! God commanded it and we want it."  I have to pray and agonize over it... to find out that God says "not yet".... and I cry. My life is too stressful to go through a pregnancy right now, especially since my last child died. I think that is why God has said no, but no matter the reason I need to listen. He truly knows what is best. 
• financial stability.  We have a used car, a very used car.  We are at a point where we would love to just get a car that we won't have to worry about it dying. Take on a 3-5yr loan and buy a small new car. But I am left wondering... where should the money go? student loans? car repairs on our current car? buying a new car? therapy? a trip for me to replenish my soul and rest? savings in case he losses his job?  
• future financial stability- my husband hasn't finished school. If he didn't have an addiction, he would have finished by now. plain and simple. Now I am left with wondering would I ever feel comfortable with him going to school again? to have classmates for him to stare at and flirt with? I just don't even see him finishing school right now.  But he can't be a factory worker the rest of his life, he wants too many toys to be able to live off that income. 
• confidence in his ability to hold and use the priesthood.  I can't just ask him for a blessing without wondering if he is worthy, or if I want him to give me one. I wanted a worthy priesthood holder in my home so my children and I could be blessed.  Now I sorta have one... 

honestly the list could keep going, my reason for posting this is two-fold. 

This has all been on my mind lately, and I just wanted to complain about it, get out how I feel about it all. My second reason is to show how far-reaching the effects of lust addiction have.  It doesn't just make me wonder where his mind is when we are having sex, it doesn't just promote sex fasts, it doesn't just make me wonder where his heart is... it affects every single aspect of my life. It has hurt and continues to harm my dreams... I had the future, the dreams including that of having a faithful spouse.  All of my dreams have been shattered... it hurts. I am scared to dream again. Right now I pick a date, and I tell myself I can make it to that date. I can keep going just a little bit longer. my date is usually 2 1/2 months out. I hope as time goes on I can pick a date thats maybe 4 months out, or 6 months out.  

I have boundaries in place now. My limits are known, hopefully my hubby stands up to plate and is willing to change.  But I know by the end of the year I am going to know whether or not I can keep doing this for a couple of years or not. Part of me thinks I would be a great single mom, other parts get tired just thinking about that.  So I wait and pray.  I am asking God about that kind of stuff because I am too emotionally attached to make a good decision. Trusting God is scary, but I know it is the only safe thing to do.  I am so grateful that during this time God has blessed me with peace and strength. I don't feel strong, but the fact that I am still here is a blessing from God. 

I am working on chapter 7 of the Spouse and Family Support Guide from the ARP program.

Its on giving thanks in every thing.  It is perfectly timed for what I need! I really like this question 

"How can we acknowledge our difficulties without being consumed by them?"

.When you all figure it out let me know ;) It is one of the questions I will be pondering today... how do I not let it all consume me?  I am pretty sure the atonement comes into the picture and laying my burdens at the feet of the Savior... but I think there might be more for me to learn from this. 

daily battles

These daily battles are going to kill me.

I wake up every morning feeling like I ran a marathon the day before.

The stress of being an addicts wife is so high... if he isn't acting out he is finally expressing his feelings and we are going through the fighting period.  My body is in constant fight mode. That is not good, that is not healthy.

How am I supposed to exercise daily if I am too exhausted to complete housework?

I am too tired to practice self-care...so I sleep. But then I have to get caught up at some point. I have to get the house clean, I have to cook food, I have to take care of my child. We have to see family and talk to them, I have to take care of my church responsibilities.

Short term solution is eating ice cream for breakfast (guilty as charged)
Long term solution???? I don't really know.

Moving away to someplace new where everyone knows what is going on so I don't feel pressure to be doing everything I am supposed to be doing.  Moving away to someplace new- just me and my child?  If I don't have to fight daily with my husband, that should free up some energy.  But then I take on a new kind of tired... the tired a single parent feels.

I need to live a much slower pace of life then the rest of the world and especially my family.  I just can't keep up... yet I keep on taking more. Because I have nothing to show for my exhaustion... so I must have time to do more.

In some ways I wish my family knew about my husbands addiction... in other ways its really nice to not have to worry about that backfiring.  Sometimes I just want to pretend that there is nothing wrong in my life, so its nice to be able to go to their house and do just that.

I need to pray more about activities in my life, to see what God wants me to focus on with the little energy I have.

how do you other women do it?? where do you draw the line? what is too much to handle while dealing with your husbands addiction?

my jams

Hymns and other church music cannot be beat when it comes to lifting me up. There is always such a powerful message to be found in them.

but... on those days when I am cleaning or looking to change it up these are some of the songs I have had on repeat more than once...


I avoid music videos, so when looking up the songs look up "lyrics videos" to avoid seeing the music videos.  I'll update this list as I find new favorites :)

new favorite song!!
Thy Will- Hillary Scott & The Scott Family

for when I am angry...

Because of You- Kelly Clarkson
Should've been us- Tori Kelly
Over it- Katharine McPhee
I'm Not The Only One- Sam Smith (the PMJ cover is way better!)
So Goodbye- Chester See (definitely look up the lyrics video, his isn't the best)


when I need a pep talk or reminder or why I am fighting...

Numb- David Archuleta
Again- Jessie Clark Funk
Girl In The Mirror- Sophia Grace---- new favorite song!
Fight Song- Rachel Platten
Little do you know- Sierra and Alex
Dare- Gentri
Try- Colbie Caillat
Broken Together- Casting Crowns*
Stronger- Kelly Clarkson**
Dark Side- Kelly Clarkson

when I need a good cry because my life sucks...

Used to be mine- Sara Bareillies
Say you love me- Jessie Ware
Killing me softly with his song- Colbie Caillat
Can't take my eyes off of you- Lady Antebellum
Lost - Michael Buble
Can't take my eyes off of you- Straight No Chaser/Four Seasons
Because of You- Kelly Clarkson
Battle Scars- Guy Sebastian
Enough- Gentri

*such a good song, its the only song that I think can ever be "our song" at this point.
**basically all of her songs are REALLY good!

Anything by Jenny Phillips is really good and some other favorite churchy songs are...
Blessings - Laura Story
Grace- Laura Story
What Love Is This- Kari Jobe
Holding On To You- Jenny Phillips
When I Can't Speak- Julie Yardley(you have to buy this one or listen to it on Pandora, I haven't found a music video for it yet. but its so worth it!)
Sometimes He Lets It Rain- Katherin Nelson
Clay In His Hands- Jessie Clark
A Little More Like Thee- Mindy Gledhill

Thoughts on Intimacy

****Trigger warning.  These are my raw thoughts on intimacy, nothing is sugar coated. Its my story, my questions and none of them are questions and thoughts that I feel comfortable sharing in sunday school... so know you were warned ;)


What is the purpose of intimacy?


Outside of bringing children into the world- why do we have it?

Why are we filled with those desires?

What constitutes good/safe/healthy/holy intimacy?


These are questions that plague my mind often.

Being married to an addict means my idea of what marriage/intimacy is tainted. Its tainted just by association because the man that I learned about intimacy with, the man I explored this new world with was behind my back looking at and thinking about the filthy, dirty,lustful intimacy. All the while I wondered why I felt like we were lacking. I couldn't figure out why I felt so distant to him even though we were so close. I thought we needed more lust, more sexy lingerie and more sex.

I was wrong, but I didn't know that. I thought we needed to try the rougher sex, we needed to bring in more pleasure to be closer. We needed to be edgy because when we were dating having lines made it all the more desired, we struggled to keep those lines but we loved each other with a passion that I didn't think would ever go out.

Well my attempts didn't work. None of it did. You know why? because a lack of sex wasn't the problem, it was a lack of trust. Trust builds intimacy, without it intimacy is scary and its only one way.

Being so very vulnerable with someone you don't trust is scary. But I am married...its the only way we know how to show each other we love each other. Its our crutch.

We have tried the 30 day sex fast challenges to change that. interestingly enough when you are told you can't have something all of sudden you want it more. Whenever I started a fast with my husband he suddenly couldn't keep his hands off of me, he wanted me, so badly.  My weakness? I wanted to be wanted. I CRAVED to be wanted, I wanted to be desired, I wanted to be the object of his lustful appetite. I wanted my husband to want me.

I started reading a book called "Purity and Passion" by Wendy L. Watson (now Nelson) I only have a couple of chapters left but I haven't brought myself to finish it.  Its a good book, its a hard book. It challenged everything I rationalized away.  Reading it made me realize that I wasn't using this gift the right way.  I wanted to have the kind of intimacy the book eludes to... but its not found in the bedroom. Its found in the day to day living, its finding intimacy on other levels except sexual. Its building your relationship spiritually, emotionally, intellectually and physically.

Before reading the book I didn't fully realize that there was more than one level of intimacy! I didn't know that you had to be emotionally connected with your spouse to have good sex.  Sex founded on love not lust.  I thought it was all the same!
I stopped reading the book because it was too painful to see what I wanted and to know that my husband couldn't give that to me.

The girl inside of me that day dreamed about being married to a prince charming and riding off in the sunset had very different ideas about sexual intimacy than my prince charming did.

My line of thinking was tenderness, soft touch, sweet kisses and caressing, slow, kind and full of love. So much love that it spills out and we don't need passion fueled by a fire to be sexually intimate. We wouldn't need the hot, sweaty sex. That was in movies because there wasn't a real connection, so they had to fake it. I wanted a real connection so we wouldn't need that.

My prince charming and I read some marriage books before getting married, it brought us to the same page and our honeymoon was wonderful.  Sure we were still new to the whole sex thing so there was the learning curve involved but he showed me so much love and patience. With a start like that I thought we had found the golden ticket and we had started an amazing marriage that was rock solid. We could do this marriage thing easy peasy.

Well, shortly after returning to life, school, work and living with someone that patience was lost.  We figured out how to make it all work for him, for him to find pleasure in sexual intimacy and left it at that. He was too tired to have as much sex, he didn't want to keep playing around, he was always so tired that we just did the same routine or more often than not just a quickie.
You see, I thought that by making sure my husband was never sexually starved I was ensuring his faithfulness to me. Sex is something he has never eve lacked, I have NEVER withheld it from him. In fact, as the months and years progressed I initiated it more often than he did. I was basically begging for sex! and not quickies, I wanted the sexual intimacy that I had gone into our marriage wanting. I wanted soft, sweet and slow.  I wanted him. It was hard enough being rejected by him time and time again, what hurts more is knowing now that during those times that he rejected me he was acting out in his addiction. He rejected me for something else.  I put on candlelight dinners with soft music and me waiting for him in a nightgown to get off work or get back from school.  I only did that a couple of times because I would feel ridiculous, he didn't appreciate my effort or me! his wife sitting in front of him waiting and wanting him. I felt so awkward because that wasn't the reaction I wanted... he acted like I was crazy for wanting sex. He did that a lot. My heart hurts so much still thinking about those moments...those moments in time where I put myself in a vulnerable position and was rejected by someone I didn't think would reject me.
But he did reject me.... and I don't know if I will ever fully understand why he could and would do that to me.

Well after I caught him acting out the first time, we tried the sex fasts. We had long, open conversations about what we wanted, I read books, listened to talks and worked on establishing ground rules for healthy sexual intimacy.  It never lasted long though, "passion" always over ruled it.  It has gotten to the point now that I can't engage in that kind of sexual behavior with him without feeling so incredibly guilty, because I know I will hate myself after for doing that again.  I will hate myself for letting me down again. Alma counseled us in the Book of Mormon to "bridle all of our passions that we may be filled with love"... every time we/I didnt bridle anything I felt so guilty. I know that what we have isn't what I want.
We had a conversation about it again a couple of weeks ago...thankfully we were out of town and other things have come up so the opportunity to be intimate hasn't come up.  I prayed about it again... what does healthy sex look like?? what does sexual intimacy based on love not lust look like??

My husband likes to lie a lot, comes with being an addict.  So I asked him if he had watched a certain show. He said no.....then corrected that he hadn't seen a whole episode. I asked him if he just looked up the raunchy parts... he didnt answer.   Multiple times I have asked him if he has let behavior or ideas from what he has seen into the bedroom, if he has used me that way.
Every single time he has said no. It is different with me.

well you know what? I looked up on a parents guide what was in those shows that he didn't watch the full episodes on so he didn't "actually" watch.  SO many of those sexual encounters looked like they came right out of my bedroom! I don't know if it was the Spirit trying to tell me "hey look!!! you can't spend hours and hours watching porn and not let it affect your marriage!"  or if my self worth had gone that low that what we did could be described like that.
now before you go on thinking that its anything like 50 shades of grey its not... just the way they talked about stood out to me, screaming at me, that my sexual life mirrored that wayyy too closely.

So I haven't let him touch me for 2 days(which is a lot!)...we still share a bed. its hard... I don't know how to put into words my feelings of hurt and anger into a way that he would understand or appreciate my pain.

I was praying about this intimacy thing again... I am at such a loss. I know nothing else, he knows all the nasty stuff...what is sexual intimacy the way God intended???

Well after a long day of pondering a light clicked for me. Maybe I am wrong, but maybe this is right.

Maybe sexual intimacy doesn't have to be "passionate" or rough or anything. Maybe if we are both doing the things we should be doing, reading scriptures, praying daily, working hard, working together and enjoying life as a family maybe that will provide enough love in our life that it can spill over without needing to add fire to heat things up.  Maybe just letting it be and focusing on loving each other again, loving myself again, maybe that can bring the intimacy I crave.
At the end of a long day of taking care of children, paying bills, serving in the church and in the area...maybe I can one day look at my husband and feel so much love for him, so much respect and trust in him that I can want to be intimate without needing foreplay. Maybe him being him and me being me could be enough that we don't have to put on masks (not literal btw) pretending to be something we are not.

Maybe it really does come back to that scripture.. bridling my passions will fill me with love...

this idea is something I am going to keep pondering.... because surely God has a better way of intimacy than what pitiful empty sexual intimacy we have been using.


***update because I can't stop thinking about it so I need to get it out.
One of those times my husband rejected me I especially wont ever forget.  We had been married a short while and I was a couple of months pregnant with our child.  He had a late class that night so I made dinner, had candles out and was waiting in a sexy nightgown for him to come home. I greeted him at the door and instead of a happy to see me expression he looked puzzled and uncomfortable.
my heart sunk, I smiled and pretended to be so excited to see him. I sat down with him as he started eating dinner and he looks up at me and says "aren't you uncomfortable in that?" ouch ouch ouch ouch!!!!! who says that to their wife???? I was confident in what I was wearing until he said that. Then I wanted to crawl into a hole and die... I felt so embarrassed, rejected and ugly.
moral of the story... if your wife not only offers to have sex with you but greets you at the door in something you should have been all over don't reject her!

Grace

this talk by Elder David A. Bednar was timely for me to hear. Today is our 2 week mark from full disclosure. Its been almost a year since the truth started coming out but its only been 2 weeks since my hubby sat down and read out loud to me his full disclosure. There was quite a few things I had to put on the crazy shelf because I was going crazy trying to understand them. I didn't see how I could move on with life, how I could stay married to him or how I could leave him. My life was unmanageable. Thankfully we had planned a family trip so preparations for that and being gone for awhile helped me get over this initial hump. I was in a fog... but as I listened to this talk I felt the Spirit testify to me that the only reason why I was able to function during these last 2 weeks and get to a point where I could find hope for the future was the enabling power of the atonement.

this was my favorite part of his talk...

“Nevertheless, the Lord God showeth us our weakness that we may know that it is by his grace, and his great condescensions unto the children of men, that we have power to do these things” (Jacob 4:6–7).

Brothers and sisters, please pay particular attention to the word grace as it is used in the verse I just read. In the Bible Dictionary we learn that the wordgrace frequently is used in the scriptures to connote a strengthening or enabling power:

“The main idea of the word is divine means of help or strength, given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ.

“… It is likewise through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means. This grace is an enabling power that allows men and women to lay hold on eternal life and exaltation after they have expended their own best efforts” (p. 697).

Thus, the enabling and strengthening aspect of the Atonement helps us to see and to do and to become good in ways that we could never recognize or accomplish with our limited mortal capacity. I testify and witness that the enabling power of the Savior’s Atonement is real. Without that strengthening power of the Atonement, I could not stand before you this morning.

Can we sense the grace and strengthening power of Christ in the testimony of Ammon? “Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever” (Alma 26:12). Truly, brothers and sisters, in the strength of the Lord we can do and endure and overcome all things."

I love that ending. in the strength of the Lord- we CAN do and endure and overcome all things! husbands included in that we.  This is something that is possible to get through, to overcome to endure and to do life on a daily basis- but only if we rely on our Savior and His grace. 

defentions

this addiction has really brought to light how many different words that my husband and I have different definitions for.

there are so many it isn't even funny at this point. It makes every conversation into an interview. I have to verify when talking in regards to his addiction that we are on the same page and that it means the same to us both.

the most hurtful one by far is he describes these women that he is lusting after as "cute"... I try getting him to replace it with attractive or hot because those are things that don't describe me whereas I feel cute does.

so now I am left feeling hurt every time we talk. He gets angry and defensive because I tell him that cute doesn't equate to his feelings for those women... he says it does. to him they are cute.
ouch, ouch, ouch, OUCH!!

I don't know how to move past this.  My husband acts like a teenager most of the time and even his language reflects that of a younger boy... Men don't describe women as "cute" that they enjoy looking at their bodies...those women are "attractive, beautiful, pretty, hot, PHAT" whatever but not cute!!
why does this hurt me so much??

How do I move past the words and not let them hurt me anymore?

the only thing that comes to mind is that God can heal all wounds...even the ones that are getting ripped open again day after day.

going in circles

Seems like I keep going over the same things again and again...
last night this was the thought I just can't get over..

Shouldn't it be easy enough to stop if he found me more attractive? Can't he just find my body- butt, boobs etc just as hot? why can't I satisfy his desires?? 


I was browsing other recovery blogs and I found this one- she says it so perfectly.

"Love shouldn't be a homework assignment"

https://iwouldrathernotbehere.wordpress.com/2015/03/20/love-shouldnt-be-a-homework-assignment/

you can bet I will be sending it to hubby...