These daily battles are going to kill me.
I wake up every morning feeling like I ran a marathon the day before.
The stress of being an addicts wife is so high... if he isn't acting out he is finally expressing his feelings and we are going through the fighting period. My body is in constant fight mode. That is not good, that is not healthy.
How am I supposed to exercise daily if I am too exhausted to complete housework?
I am too tired to practice self-care...so I sleep. But then I have to get caught up at some point. I have to get the house clean, I have to cook food, I have to take care of my child. We have to see family and talk to them, I have to take care of my church responsibilities.
Short term solution is eating ice cream for breakfast (guilty as charged)
Long term solution???? I don't really know.
Moving away to someplace new where everyone knows what is going on so I don't feel pressure to be doing everything I am supposed to be doing. Moving away to someplace new- just me and my child? If I don't have to fight daily with my husband, that should free up some energy. But then I take on a new kind of tired... the tired a single parent feels.
I need to live a much slower pace of life then the rest of the world and especially my family. I just can't keep up... yet I keep on taking more. Because I have nothing to show for my exhaustion... so I must have time to do more.
In some ways I wish my family knew about my husbands addiction... in other ways its really nice to not have to worry about that backfiring. Sometimes I just want to pretend that there is nothing wrong in my life, so its nice to be able to go to their house and do just that.
I need to pray more about activities in my life, to see what God wants me to focus on with the little energy I have.
how do you other women do it?? where do you draw the line? what is too much to handle while dealing with your husbands addiction?
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I have learned is to be kind to yourself. If I'm emotionally exhausted, it's okay to take a nap. If I need to cry, it's okay to cry. If I feel angry, it's okay to be angry (although finding healthy ways to express anger is important). Personally I find it quite therapeutic to write an angry letter expressing it all. Then when I'm ready to, I burn it and enjoy watching it go up in flames, imagining my anger doing the same.
Your kids will survive on pizza and fries or chicken fingers. Not the healthiest, but if you want it to be a bit healthier, add some raw veg!
Re: cleaning the house; cleaning wipes might be a bit expensive, but they really save time with cleaning. And your kids (depending on age) can easily swipe them across a few surfaces.
If you feel comfortable talking to your bishop, let him know you're struggling. Maybe he can consider whether it's time for you to be released from your calling. It's okay to ask for that if that's what you need.
Oh, and taking a nap is part of self care when that's what you need!
Don't feel guilty for not having everything together. Ask Heavenly Father for what you need, and don't be afraid to be specific with Him. He might say no, but if He does, that's only because He knows best and has something even better in mind.
Decide your boundaries and stick to them. It's okay for your husband to struggle and be feel angry. It's not okay for him to take it out on you. It's okay for either one of you to say 'I'm feeling really angry right now. I know we need to talk about this, but I need some time and space before I can do that appropriately.' Then take some time to calm down before resuming the conversation, hopefully from a better place.
I hope some of this helps you, but if it doesn't, don't worry about ignoring it! What's worked for me won't be the right solution for everyone else.
thank you so much for commenting! I really appreciate your insightful and encouraging words.
DeleteI love the letter writing! I did that a couple of times and enjoyed the release but I haven't been making time for it all the past couple of months.
Thank you for giving me the permission to not do it all...sometimes I just need permission to not have to do it all perfectly. I really appreciate that, I know I need to get to the point where I can freely give myself that permission but in the meantime it helps so much to be reminded that I don't have to do it all... its hard enough as is.
I just wrote up my boundaries yesterday, well I borrowed them from other bloggers and complied my list. It brought such a relief for me to have a line drawn. I haven't presented them to my husband yet but just internalizing them and starting to apply them has helped so much.
You are the second person to tell me to be more specific with my prayers... I am a slow learner but I think I am seeing what God is trying to tell me right now. How can I ask for help if I don't even know what kind of help I need? just like when children cry about nothing, I can't help if they don't know what is wrong... I do need to start asking more specifically for things. like a therapist for my hubs... I can't be his anymore. its too draining... its just too much. But I am having a hard time finding one close to us. I was praying about it but stopped when I thought we found a good one. It was working then, I should go back to that.
thank you for sharing, thank you for the boost of strength. I appreciate it more than you know <3