I lost a baby a couple of months before I caught my husband. It was a stillbirth, I was thrown into this world of never ending sorrow on a daily basis. I was drowning, I had no idea how I could life with a loss like that. After a couple of months of not living and barely surviving I trusted God (after yelling at Him how unfair it all was) and its taken a lot of time but now I can breathe again without feeling so incredibly sad. I have even been happy again, which I never thought was possible. I still miss my sweet baby oh so very much. But I know I will see him again, so I just have to wait. Its not like I won't ever see him again, because I will see him and I am excited for that day :)
Secondary losses around the loss of my child were-
- my home- we had to move for work to pay off medical bills so we packed everything up and I lost my home.
- a sense of happiness around pregnancy, totally gone. I get panicked whenever I think I might be pregnant because I don't feel like I am healthy enough to carry a baby right now.
- dreams of being done with school and moving on to starting a career and getting closer to buying our own home and putting roots down.
- friends- I lost friends... no one knew what to say and I was so lost in a world of grief I wasn't the happy go lucky person they all knew. Some of my friends said mean things, well, they probably didn't mean it that way but it all came out wrong and hurt so bad.
I have been thinking about this addiction and all the losses surrounding it.
I didn't *just* lose the trust and confidence in my spouse. I lost a lot of other things too... other dreams...
- I lost stability. Because of his addiction and his choices I can't count on him, I can't dream with him. Its all so different now.
- We only have 1 living child, I wanted more. But now... how do I knowingly bring children into this situation? I might be a single parent before long... bringing another child in isn't something I can just say "yes lets do it! God commanded it and we want it." I have to pray and agonize over it... to find out that God says "not yet".... and I cry. My life is too stressful to go through a pregnancy right now, especially since my last child died. I think that is why God has said no, but no matter the reason I need to listen. He truly knows what is best.
- financial stability. We have a used car, a very used car. We are at a point where we would love to just get a car that we won't have to worry about it dying. Take on a 3-5yr loan and buy a small new car. But I am left wondering... where should the money go? student loans? car repairs on our current car? buying a new car? therapy? a trip for me to replenish my soul and rest? savings in case he losses his job?
- future financial stability- my husband hasn't finished school. If he didn't have an addiction, he would have finished by now. plain and simple. Now I am left with wondering would I ever feel comfortable with him going to school again? to have classmates for him to stare at and flirt with? I just don't even see him finishing school right now. But he can't be a factory worker the rest of his life, he wants too many toys to be able to live off that income.
- confidence in his ability to hold and use the priesthood. I can't just ask him for a blessing without wondering if he is worthy, or if I want him to give me one. I wanted a worthy priesthood holder in my home so my children and I could be blessed. Now I sorta have one...
honestly the list could keep going, my reason for posting this is two-fold.
This has all been on my mind lately, and I just wanted to complain about it, get out how I feel about it all. My second reason is to show how far-reaching the effects of lust addiction have. It doesn't just make me wonder where his mind is when we are having sex, it doesn't just promote sex fasts, it doesn't just make me wonder where his heart is... it affects every single aspect of my life. It has hurt and continues to harm my dreams... I had the future, the dreams including that of having a faithful spouse. All of my dreams have been shattered... it hurts. I am scared to dream again. Right now I pick a date, and I tell myself I can make it to that date. I can keep going just a little bit longer. my date is usually 2 1/2 months out. I hope as time goes on I can pick a date thats maybe 4 months out, or 6 months out.
I have boundaries in place now. My limits are known, hopefully my hubby stands up to plate and is willing to change. But I know by the end of the year I am going to know whether or not I can keep doing this for a couple of years or not. Part of me thinks I would be a great single mom, other parts get tired just thinking about that. So I wait and pray. I am asking God about that kind of stuff because I am too emotionally attached to make a good decision. Trusting God is scary, but I know it is the only safe thing to do. I am so grateful that during this time God has blessed me with peace and strength. I don't feel strong, but the fact that I am still here is a blessing from God.
I am working on chapter 7 of the Spouse and Family Support Guide from the ARP program.
Its on giving thanks in every thing. It is perfectly timed for what I need! I really like this question
"How can we acknowledge our difficulties without being consumed by them?"
.When you all figure it out let me know ;) It is one of the questions I will be pondering today... how do I not let it all consume me? I am pretty sure the atonement comes into the picture and laying my burdens at the feet of the Savior... but I think there might be more for me to learn from this.
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