Intentions

in·ten·tion

inˈten(t)SH(ə)n/

noun

noun: intention; plural noun: intentions

1. 1.

   a thing intended; an aim or plan.

   "she was full of good intentions"

   • the action or fact of intending.

     "intention is just one of the factors that will be considered"

     synonyms:

     intent, intentionality, deliberateness, design, calculation, meaning;

   • a person's designs, especially a man's, in respect to marriage.

     plural noun: someone's intentions; plural noun: one's intentions

     "if his intentions aren't honorable, I never want to see him again"

my favorite way to use the word intention growing up was describing what my future husband would do..."he will write me a letter with his intentions regarding me before I accept a date. We shall court properly" my sisters and I would go on and on about the benefits of such a proper courtship. It was the most romantic thing in my opinion, to have a man be so bold to share his intentions regarding you.  No tricking or talking someone into liking you. Just plain, simple and upfront, I want to date with the intention of getting married.

Well obviously that didn't happen for me, my hubby was to ashamed of himself to share with me who he truly was. There was no letter, there was no thoughtful notes or poems (I am a huge Jane Austen fan and I would literally die from happiness if a guy I was dating wrote me a poem!) no thought at all actually. We had a handful of actual planned dates and then we spent so much time hanging out that we became good friends and he proposed an hour after he took me ring shopping to see what I like.  Looking back on our "courtship" and wedding I want to cry. It was nothing like the 15 year old romantic in me wanted, there was no planned out proposal, no photographer hiding around to capture the moment, we used my camera in a not so discreet way. I saw the proposal coming about a thousand miles away.  I look back at how I felt about that and I did feel let down... but my boy friend was proposing to me so I should be happy! I stuffed the feelings of disappointment and put on my happy face.

His intentions were to marry me, but he didn't intend to ever disclose to me who he truly was. His dark ugly sides, he kept that to himself.  How can I love someone for who they are if I don't know them?

fast forward to having a baby. Hubby was working and going to school at the same time. Our baby had colic and I would be up until 7-8am rocking our baby and standing up with our baby because sitting down wasn't working the way standing up was. I know tons of moms deal with this and I wasn't the only one but I never felt so exhausted, so drained and so close to breaking.   I know I didn't stay awake on my account, I know it wasn't my strength that kept me going through all of those sleepless nights. It was God. He strengthened me, I can see that now and I am grateful for that.

Because my husband was so hard working he would sleep a couple of hours before going to work and I would stay up with our child. I always stayed up with her. I sacrificed for him because he was sacrificing for me and that is what powerhouse couples do.

During his official disclosure to me he brought up that when we lived there he would access porn on a phone we used for alarms.  I put that to the timeline and asked him... "so you watched porn while I stayed up with our child so you could sleep??? I NEEDED that sleep! how dare you do that to me!! That time of being up all night is what put me on the path to not getting my body back, I had to eat sugar to stay awake. You spent that time looking at hot women and all the while you forced me down that path of sheer exhaustion and desperation.  I could have been "hot" again, but you couldn't support me and wait. You are so selfish."
he just took it all... he said sorry... it didn't fix it.  His intentions were to have a lust fix no matter the cost to him and no matter the cost to those around him.  He left me to struggle on my own, I still am not over this one. That form of betrayal hurts more than the physical betrayal. He left me stranded, I was alone, so very alone and all he could do was think of himself.

His intentions with talking to women at work have not been pure, he wants there attention.  His intentions with telling me certain stories and talking bad about certain women was to throw me off the fact that he actually really liked those women and he was flirting with them and fantasizing about them while masturbating.  His intention was to deceive me.... again and again.  No matter the cost of the deception all that really mattered to him was himself. keeping his addiction secret and taking care of only himself.    He got really good at manipulating and I got really good at doubting myself and we became the fake perfect couple. Everything was fine, neither one of us really talked to the other. I still tried but ultimately when ever I confided in him he would use whatever I told him to his advantage.

Intentions speak a lot about our heart. That is where they are found (not literally haha)

1 Samuel 16:7 But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.

all I saw were his actions, he sacrificed himself for us, he worked so hard for us, he was exhausted because of us.  I didn't and couldn't see his intentions.  I wasn't able to see how much of his exhaustion was self-inflicted, how his struggles were self inflicted.

The word intention has a negative connotation for me. It has for the last couple of months as I have slowly seen what my husbands intentions have been.

Recently in sunday school I realized the word intention can be used to describe goodness too. I get so caught up on bad about it I forget how it can be so good too!
I watched a class on journal writing and I don't know if they talked about it or if it was the Spirit but the impression I was left with was I need to live an intentional life. Life will be so hard without purpose! But I struggled to find what my intention was... to be the best mother? to be kind to everyone? to forgive everyone? what is my intention in this life?

So sunday we are reading in Alma 37- back story, Alma is counseling his son Helaman-

 Alma 37:35 O, remember, my son, and learn wisdom in thy youth; yea, learn in thy youth to keep the commandments of God.

 36 Yea, and cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and whithersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord; yea, let all thy thoughts be directed unto the Lord; yea, let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever.

 37 Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day.

It hit me so hard and the Spirit testified to me that I don't need to come up with some great purpose in my life, God has one for me. One that is better than anything I could ever dream up... I need to live my life with the intention to do Gods will. His will! so simple yet so hard. 

A friend just shared this song and I love it! Thy will be done... saying those words and meaning them is the greatest gift we can give God. For all He has done for us, the least we can do is trust in Him. 

So my intention with this life is to do God's will. If my children and grand children can look back and say that I was an example of doing God's will I will be content and happy with my life.  Having a fancy degree and making a huge difference in the world would be good and I would feel accomplished but I know true happiness will be found in doing God's will and trusting in Him. And that is the intention and legacy I want to leave in this life. 

answers...

I stare at my computer just looking for answers.

I have it open and ready just waiting for inspiration to lead me to which website/email/folder I can find the answers in.

I wait... I will literally wait a couple of minutes just waiting for inspiration to come.

no inspiration comes... my mind is blank.

I stare at my husbands phone (both his old one and new one) I look at them.
I hold them in my hand and just wait for direction... where do I go for the answers?
which app/folder contains the secrets I so desperately want to know???

I just want answers! I want to know if he is telling me the truth. I want to know all of it, I just want to know it all. What was truly the extent?? is he currently acting out? who knew what? how many of the women that he flirted with knew me and felt pity for him that he was stuck with me??

I can run around in circles and stare at the computer all day but I will never find the answers there.  That is the hard truth.  The only answers I will truly find are on my knees, asking God to help me know which questions need answers. Then I can get up and go to work and have God's strength and wisdom helping me throughout my day.  Sometimes after I pray I realize I don't need those answers as much as I did before... sometimes they bother me even more than they did before! but I am learning to trust in God, to wait on His timing and to keep asking my questions and seeking answers from Him.  Its a hard and exhausting wait.  But I am hopeful it will be worth it.

daily battles

These daily battles are going to kill me.

I wake up every morning feeling like I ran a marathon the day before.

The stress of being an addicts wife is so high... if he isn't acting out he is finally expressing his feelings and we are going through the fighting period.  My body is in constant fight mode. That is not good, that is not healthy.

How am I supposed to exercise daily if I am too exhausted to complete housework?

I am too tired to practice self-care...so I sleep. But then I have to get caught up at some point. I have to get the house clean, I have to cook food, I have to take care of my child. We have to see family and talk to them, I have to take care of my church responsibilities.

Short term solution is eating ice cream for breakfast (guilty as charged)
Long term solution???? I don't really know.

Moving away to someplace new where everyone knows what is going on so I don't feel pressure to be doing everything I am supposed to be doing.  Moving away to someplace new- just me and my child?  If I don't have to fight daily with my husband, that should free up some energy.  But then I take on a new kind of tired... the tired a single parent feels.

I need to live a much slower pace of life then the rest of the world and especially my family.  I just can't keep up... yet I keep on taking more. Because I have nothing to show for my exhaustion... so I must have time to do more.

In some ways I wish my family knew about my husbands addiction... in other ways its really nice to not have to worry about that backfiring.  Sometimes I just want to pretend that there is nothing wrong in my life, so its nice to be able to go to their house and do just that.

I need to pray more about activities in my life, to see what God wants me to focus on with the little energy I have.

how do you other women do it?? where do you draw the line? what is too much to handle while dealing with your husbands addiction?

How To Survive A Trip To The Beach

How To Survive A Trip To The Beach

(post dday)

Its summertime!! time for swimming, and sandcastles and lots of fun at the beach!  

here are 3 easy steps to make sure your trip to the beach goes as smoothly as it can...

Step 1

get ready for beach

Step 2

leave for beach

Step 3

Go home after arriving and seeing all the half naked woman prancing around. Rethink your life and if this crap is worth it. 

okay I am joking. Being married to a sex addict complicates every thing in your life. Including the beach. Here are 35 steps on how to actually survive a trip to the beach with your addict husband...

Step 1

put on your most comfortable swimsuit.

Step 2

 Look in the mirror while saying positive affirmations. 

I am beautiful.

My husband is crazy for ever wanting someone other than me. 

I am a rockstar.

I am enough. 

Step 3

let your sponsor know where you are going (or a friend who is aware of your situation)

Step 4

Pray

Step 5

hop in your car and mentally brace yourself for the onslaught of butts, stomachs and cleavage you are about to see. 

Step 6

breathe deep

Step 7

mentally swear at your husband and call him names for doing this to you

Step 8

leave first beach/pool when you see there is a high school graduation party and a million girls in bikinis

Step 9

tell your crying child that we will go to the beach just not that one because its broken.

Step 10

repeat steps 4-7 while texting your sponsor/friend for support.

Step 11

get to 2nd beach. decide you just can't do it so you sit in the car and cry while your hubby takes your child to the beach. 

Step 12

realize how sad you will be if you don't get to see your child's face when they play in the water and build sandcastles. 

Step 13

mentally swear at your husband again while you run to catch up to them

Step 14

get to the beach....watch your husbands eyes wander to the woman in a bikini and make a mental note to divorce the jerk. 

Step 15

see the delight on your child's face at being at the beach!

 take note of how the water flows around your body

 embrace the way the water makes you feel, so light and calm. 

Step 16

give your husband daggar eyes for looking at the other lady who shows up in a bikini

Step 17

Remind yourself why you are there... to be with your child and to make their day. 

Step 18

try not to mentally call the woman wearing make up and bikinis names for dressing that way. 

remember they are God's children too. 

Think about what lack of emotional connections has led them to make such poor choices

genuinely feel bad for them and how sad their life is that they are seeking attention in the wrong areas.

Step 19

stay as long as you want. don't let your husbands inability to function in public make you leave sooner than you want. 

if he is uncomfortable he can sit in the car and think about the choices he has made that has led him here. 

Step 20

make a mental note to research contacts or glasses your husband can wear that makes everyone look like distorted monsters and not the naked woman that they are. 

Step 21

release your anger towards your husband. 

throw sandballs (like a snowball but dirty and hard) at him. 

keep throwing them at him and add some shells for added flair until you feel better

(repeat as necessary)

Step 22

write in the sand all words that bring you sadness.

watch them wash away

embrace the symbolism and let it all wash away

Step 23

play with your child some more, embrace the happy moments. 

Step 24

leave the beach feeling awesome

 you just did the hardest thing a woman in your position could do

and you rocked it. 

Step 25

let it ALL out on your drive home. 

tell your sweet hubby how you felt and how it affected you.

Step 26

ask your sweet hubby to share with you what was on his mind and how he worked through it

Step 27

listen to him lie and say it was great

Step 28

call him out on that lie

Step 29

drag the truth out of him and help him realize his emotions and feelings

Step 30

help hubby come up with a better way to deal with his emotions and feelings

Step 31

report to your sponsor/friend how you did and talk through the hard spots

Step 32

say a prayer of thanks that the 2nd beach wasn't as busy

Step 33

rethink your summer plans of spending all day at the beach

Step 34

remember to not let your husbands addiction ruin your summer and ability to have fun

Step 35

plan another trip to the beach... but don't invite hubby this time 

:)

 

Facebook/short version of "our story"

Dear Facebook,

I have a love-hate relationship with you.

Why? you might ask... well it all started out with wanting approval.
It wasn't enough to just have "friends",  if they really cared about me they would "like" and comment on my posts/pictures.  When I first signed up it wasn't as big of a deal, it was exciting. I could finally stay in contact with all of my friends in one place.
 Then it started to change... I saw relationships paraded all over and lovey dovey tags for couples from each other declaring their undying love for another.

I wanted that. I wanted a man who would declare to the world aka you facebook that he loved me with all of his heart, mind and soul. I wanted a man who made it clear to everyone that he could literally not live without me in his life, I was so needed and wanted.  I wasn't sure of my identity and whose I was so I sought attention where I could.

fast forward a couple of years. I meet a guy, he is nice and sweet and perfect and just everything I could ever want. Well, except for the bragging about me part. He didn't really like doing that, ever.  I pushed it aside and focused on all of the good qualities that made him marriage material and off to the altar we went.
When we were dating I made it very clear that I was a taken woman and cut out friendships that were more there for dating purposes than actual friends. In fact, I cut out almost all of my male friends.  My amazing husband who adored me didn't have anyone on his friends list that he had ever really liked  because he had had only one girlfriend and one kiss before me. I was way better than any "crushes" he had ever had (I mean come on, I am an amazing wife and woman and I felt so wanted and beautiful, no one truly compared to me in his eyes.) so I felt secure in knowing that all of those "girls" on his page were just his attempts at being a nice guy and accepting his sisters friends requests to be friends.  Of course they weren't a threat to me, if anything, I won, because I married Mr. Wonderful.

 Soon we had a sweet spirit join our family. I thought by this time he would start bragging to his friends about his amazing wife and baby.  You know, the wife who cooked homemade meals, did all of his laundry, gave him thoughtful and homemade gifts and learned how to recreate his favorite foods and make them better than he ever had them. The same wife who would put texting him, calling him, being there for him first.  Who ALWAYS asked for sex. Even begged for it... yeah that wife. She wanted a little love and a little praise.
So what did she do? she gave him some hints.. she faked it for him. She started posting for him so that he would catch on to what she wanted. So he would know what made her feel validated, wanted and safe.  He would take note, and tell her he would start posting more.
She waits... and still nothing...
back to the hints. More hints and more posting and more faking it.. before I realized it.... 95% of his posts were by me.  They were all me. He only posted about his child twice... maybe.  The only time he posted about me, was to brag about something he did.   The message I got, I wasn't enough. He didn't love me enough to shout it from the roof tops... I guess I better try harder.

All the while, those girls posting selfies and post workout pictures made me more uncomfortable.  I started unfollowing them for him.  He never said anything to me so obviously he wasn't looking in the first place. Phew! that was a close one.

Let me rewind for a second. Shortly after we were married Mr. Wonderful disclosed to me that he had slipped up and was having issues with porn again. It wasn't anything "super bad, no videos just pictures of models"... I was pregnant and scared. I was so worried he would leave me for someone better looking. We worked so hard at not having slip ups. The only time he ever was tempted to look was at work so we took away the internet. Problem solved. The fact that he spent hours by himself at home with my mobile device, hours at school with a computer and later hours at work "reading" from his own mobile device didn't even phase me. If he had issues with those, he would tell me. We were a solid couple. We beat a porn addiction together. Nothing could come between us. Yet I wasn't feeling any closer to him...I still felt this distance.  I brushed it aside and focused on being the amazing couple that I wanted us to be. The perfect fb couple... who openly love each other. That was my goal, to have him be so proud of me and to brag about me.

During this whole time the amount of inappropriate pages that would pop up on my newsfeed was increasing. At first I attributed it to the fallen world we live in and thought it was just another one of your ploys to gather information and to take a good tool and turn it bad.  Then I thought it had to do with where we lived (sin city).  Now I am realizing that the devices my husband never looked up porn on were indeed used for that purpose. Those same devices that I was signed in on.

Facebook, why didn't you tell me sooner. Why did it take me so long to realize how everything connects.   That the reason why I am greeted with muck and filth and sadness every time I sign in is because of Mr. Wonderful's horrible choices.  The soft porn/hard porn profile pictures with the phrase "7M people like her" under every single one, reminding me how not even one man thinks I am enough is there every day because of his choices.

Mr. Wonderful got rid of his account *finally* after realizing how serious I was about leaving him. I was finally more important. But now... no one knows that.
 I spent so many hours searching his account, trying to figure out what exactly he looked at. I read and re-read all of his deleted messages.  I learned a lot about him through those. I learned how many of those "friends" were more than just crushes... they are women he lusted after. Women he wanted.  What really hurt was finding out how much he had messaged a girl when we were dating. He kissed and grinded on her in high school, and sexted her too. But kinda forgot those details when I met and then married him... hers was my go to message to read when I wanted to really feel like crap. Over and over again... I would match up the dates. the content. The flirting... while I was declining dates and moving towards a relationship with him he was keeping his options open. Ouch. He agreed to go exclusive with me and stopped messaging all of the other women... but he never unfriended them.  They weren't an issue for him.. obviously... its not like he went back and masturbated to them when we were married. No, Mr. Wonderful would never  do that. He would never lust after the very women who made me feel insecure about myself. He wouldn't be that selfish.. because he was Mr. Wonderful.
Mr Wonderful sacrificed so much for me and our child... he didn't have a selfish bone in his body... in fact... I should be more like him. I really should have been less selfish and not hold him to such a high standard and talk to him so much. I should have been more considerate about his sleep schedule than I was about being intimate with him... once a week is enough intimacy to keep a marriage running smoothly...I should have been less selfish and not asked to be close to him so much. I was too demanding of him.

Now, my lovely Facebook, I am the only one who uses you.  My problems should be solved. Mr. Wonderful cant misuse you anymore and I can't be hurt by who he is friends with anymore.
Wait a second... what was that? oh yeah, my mother in law just liked a picture... a picture of someone who better captured my husbands attention than I did.

Oh and whats that? yeah, thanks for reminding me of that... those same girls are his sisters best friends. The ones he saw at her wedding and swore to me that they were never a problem. He never did anything bad with them... ever. Why? because he is Mr. Wonderful. He doesn't have it in him to hurt me like that, remember?
oh wait.. there is more. You mean he did masturbate and fantasize about them....

His coworker that I reached out to share the gospel with she would never be a problem.  He finds her so annoying. She and I are friends, she likes all my posts and pictures. Especially those of Mr. Wonderful and our child.  She is nice that is all...
wait a second, you mean to tell me that they were more friendly than they should have been, his intentions were not pure at all.  I didn't know that, well I mean, I suspected... but he promised me it wasn't like that.

Facebook, you seem to know so much about everyone, do you happen to know what Brittany looks like? you know, the woman he currently works with that he struggles to have pure thoughts about. Yeah, I would really like to know who is worth risking so much for.

Wow, she isn't what I thought she would be like. She isn't that much different than me. Thinner yes, but she hasn't borne children yet. She isn't the super model I thought she would have to be to capture his attention.
wait, she is friends with Sam- the other woman he works with and struggles with. Yes, please show me more.

Okay wow, she is gorgeous. needy and an emotional mess, but still gorgeous. I can't compete with that.  I can see why he struggles... they are beautiful... it really must be my fault. I am just not pretty enough for him.  Thanks for giving me the answers.. I can see it now.

Oh cool, here is his friend from work, the only safe friend because its a guy.  WOAH- he is following strippers. Nice... Mr. Wonderful really enjoys his friendship. I hope he can stay friends but seeing what I see now.. I don't want him to be friends with someone who follows that.

This is all so hard. All I am getting is pain from our relationship facebook.  You give me exactly what I want... which probably isn't what I need.

It hurts to see it all... to have access to it all. The self inflicted pain. If it wasn't that you are the easiest way to stay caught up with family and friends, I would be done with you by now.  Speaking of which... that is hard too. I have to be careful with what I post, I am trying to be authentic now. But not too authentic... because that would make people sad. I will only share uplifting or happy news now with the occasional honest post with how I really feel.  That isn't too much pressure, I can stifle my voice a little.

wait I can't do that anymore... its eating me up inside. I have to get it out... I need to share with someone.  Its not perfectly written and probably doesn't make sense, but my voice needs to be heard, what I have to say needs to come out.

Facebook, you are a nice tool, but I can't express myself with you anymore. You aren't a safe place for me.

I wish I had known how dangerous and hurtful you could be... now I know.

I have learned a lot from you, but the most important lesson I have learned from you is that it is all fake. The numbers, the likes, the comments... none of that truly matters. What matters is that God loves me. That is something you haven't done a good job of reminding me about.  Until you can do that, I can't be me with you.  I need to find new avenues to find strength and support during this journey we call life. You will still be apart of my life... but I am finally taking my emotions and actively trying to find a better place to set them.  I am going to remind myself every day that it doesn't really matter what people on social media think about me, I am an awesome person. Not because I do awesome things but because God loves me.  I am enough.

I am truly enough.

I hope you become a better place to share that message with, until you do. Adieu...
and blogspot here I come ;)

Pulled Under...

I feel like I am being pulled under. The darkness is overwhelming.. fighting back is too hard... it seems as if it is almost better to just give in. To stop trying...

My heart is heavy... heavy and beating fast.
Sadness and fear. Anger and distrust.

Longing for happiness...wanting to feel true joy and peace.
Too tired to do what I need to do to feel that peace.

So I say a tiny prayer in my heart- fear of that prayer being rejected keeps me from asking for what I really need.
Pride keeps me from begging... but I need relief. I can't keep this up. This lifestyle is not sustainable.

I feel like I am failing in every direction... I cannot keep everyone happy.
 That isn't my job, but I pretend it is. If I keep those around me happy than I can rationalize away my own needs. It doesn't matter if I am not happy- at least everyone else is and I can find happiness in that.  That won't work though...because I can't keep everyone happy.  By placing my happiness in the reactions of those around me I am setting myself up for a life full of disappointment and sadness.

So I am remind myself...  "You can't make everybody happy. You aren't a jar of Nutella."

(image credit unknown)

I laugh and think this is funny. I share it with family and they all think its funny. but lets talk about this for a second. Why does Nutella make everyone happy? is it because it gives with out receiving? By trying to take on the responsibility of keeping everyone else happy I run dry, I am emptied with no hope of ever getting caught up.  I am not nutella. I cannot make everybody happy.  So why do I try?

again its back to that self worth issue. Just like addicts the spouse of an addict, well any human being, can and at some point in their life will put their self worth into others hands. They will only love themselves because people like them. Because people talk to them, Because others want to be their friend.  Just like Nutella, that isn't a sustainable lifestyle.  What happens when the jar is empty? what happens when you don't have friends anymore? 

well you either become more desperate and lower your standards and self respect even more... or you hit your rock bottom and put your self worth in Gods hands. 

My hubby continues to put his self worth in others.... he continues to seek the approval of others. especially women. that hurts.  It hasn't mattered this whole time what I thought of him. What his family thinks of him...its not enough. It won't ever be enough if he only values himself in other peoples eyes. It isn't enough for me. I cannot get enough validation from those around me unless I put that in Gods hands.  If I love myself simply because I am a child of God... then I don't need the validation and approval of others to function. It is nice to have that validation. Family is here on earth to lift us up and build us up. but with my self worth placed in Gods hands I can be okay with out it.  I am enough. 

What a lovely concept... 

I am enough.

me simply being me is enough.  

now only to apply that into my life and to take it to heart. So much easier said than done. 

I needed to get pulled out of the darkness. I needed a good reminder that I am enough and that I am loved. I need hope. 

So I turn to music. Music is the balm to soothe my aching soul...

tonight's special is this beautiful hymn... 

Savior, Redeemer of my soul. 

1. 1. Savior, Redeemer of my soul,
   Whose mighty hand hath made me whole,
   Whose wondrous pow'r hath raised me up
   And filled with sweet my bitter cup!
   What tongue my gratitude can tell,
   O gracious God of Israel.
2. 2. Never can I repay thee, Lord,
   But I can love thee. Thy pure word,
   Hath it not been my one delight,
   My joy by day, my dream by night?
   Then let my lips proclaim it still,
   And all my life reflect thy will.
3. 3. O'errule mine acts to serve thine ends.
   Change frowning foes to smiling friends.
   Chasten my soul till I shall be
   In perfect harmony with thee.
   Make me more worthy of thy love,
   And fit me for the life above.

you can listen to it online but this is my favorite recording right now.