Dear Facebook,
I have a love-hate relationship with you.
Why? you might ask... well it all started out with wanting approval.
It wasn't enough to just have "friends", if they really cared about me they would "like" and comment on my posts/pictures. When I first signed up it wasn't as big of a deal, it was exciting. I could finally stay in contact with all of my friends in one place.
Then it started to change... I saw relationships paraded all over and lovey dovey tags for couples from each other declaring their undying love for another.
I wanted that. I wanted a man who would declare to the world aka you facebook that he loved me with all of his heart, mind and soul. I wanted a man who made it clear to everyone that he could literally not live without me in his life, I was so needed and wanted. I wasn't sure of my identity and whose I was so I sought attention where I could.
fast forward a couple of years. I meet a guy, he is nice and sweet and perfect and just everything I could ever want. Well, except for the bragging about me part. He didn't really like doing that, ever. I pushed it aside and focused on all of the good qualities that made him marriage material and off to the altar we went.
When we were dating I made it very clear that I was a taken woman and cut out friendships that were more there for dating purposes than actual friends. In fact, I cut out almost all of my male friends. My amazing husband who adored me didn't have anyone on his friends list that he had ever really liked because he had had only one girlfriend and one kiss before me. I was way better than any "crushes" he had ever had (I mean come on, I am an amazing wife and woman and I felt so wanted and beautiful, no one truly compared to me in his eyes.) so I felt secure in knowing that all of those "girls" on his page were just his attempts at being a nice guy and accepting his sisters friends requests to be friends. Of course they weren't a threat to me, if anything, I won, because I married Mr. Wonderful.
Soon we had a sweet spirit join our family. I thought by this time he would start bragging to his friends about his amazing wife and baby. You know, the wife who cooked homemade meals, did all of his laundry, gave him thoughtful and homemade gifts and learned how to recreate his favorite foods and make them better than he ever had them. The same wife who would put texting him, calling him, being there for him first. Who ALWAYS asked for sex. Even begged for it... yeah that wife. She wanted a little love and a little praise.
So what did she do? she gave him some hints.. she faked it for him. She started posting for him so that he would catch on to what she wanted. So he would know what made her feel validated, wanted and safe. He would take note, and tell her he would start posting more.
She waits... and still nothing...
back to the hints. More hints and more posting and more faking it.. before I realized it.... 95% of his posts were by me. They were all me. He only posted about his child twice... maybe. The only time he posted about me, was to brag about something he did. The message I got, I wasn't enough. He didn't love me enough to shout it from the roof tops... I guess I better try harder.
All the while, those girls posting selfies and post workout pictures made me more uncomfortable. I started unfollowing them for him. He never said anything to me so obviously he wasn't looking in the first place. Phew! that was a close one.
Let me rewind for a second. Shortly after we were married Mr. Wonderful disclosed to me that he had slipped up and was having issues with porn again. It wasn't anything "super bad, no videos just pictures of models"... I was pregnant and scared. I was so worried he would leave me for someone better looking. We worked so hard at not having slip ups. The only time he ever was tempted to look was at work so we took away the internet. Problem solved. The fact that he spent hours by himself at home with my mobile device, hours at school with a computer and later hours at work "reading" from his own mobile device didn't even phase me. If he had issues with those, he would tell me. We were a solid couple. We beat a porn addiction together. Nothing could come between us. Yet I wasn't feeling any closer to him...I still felt this distance. I brushed it aside and focused on being the amazing couple that I wanted us to be. The perfect fb couple... who openly love each other. That was my goal, to have him be so proud of me and to brag about me.
During this whole time the amount of inappropriate pages that would pop up on my newsfeed was increasing. At first I attributed it to the fallen world we live in and thought it was just another one of your ploys to gather information and to take a good tool and turn it bad. Then I thought it had to do with where we lived (sin city). Now I am realizing that the devices my husband never looked up porn on were indeed used for that purpose. Those same devices that I was signed in on.
Facebook, why didn't you tell me sooner. Why did it take me so long to realize how everything connects. That the reason why I am greeted with muck and filth and sadness every time I sign in is because of Mr. Wonderful's horrible choices. The soft porn/hard porn profile pictures with the phrase "7M people like her" under every single one, reminding me how not even one man thinks I am enough is there every day because of his choices.
Mr. Wonderful got rid of his account *finally* after realizing how serious I was about leaving him. I was finally more important. But now... no one knows that.
I spent so many hours searching his account, trying to figure out what exactly he looked at. I read and re-read all of his deleted messages. I learned a lot about him through those. I learned how many of those "friends" were more than just crushes... they are women he lusted after. Women he wanted. What really hurt was finding out how much he had messaged a girl when we were dating. He kissed and grinded on her in high school, and sexted her too. But kinda forgot those details when I met and then married him... hers was my go to message to read when I wanted to really feel like crap. Over and over again... I would match up the dates. the content. The flirting... while I was declining dates and moving towards a relationship with him he was keeping his options open. Ouch. He agreed to go exclusive with me and stopped messaging all of the other women... but he never unfriended them. They weren't an issue for him.. obviously... its not like he went back and masturbated to them when we were married. No, Mr. Wonderful would never do that. He would never lust after the very women who made me feel insecure about myself. He wouldn't be that selfish.. because he was Mr. Wonderful.
Mr Wonderful sacrificed so much for me and our child... he didn't have a selfish bone in his body... in fact... I should be more like him. I really should have been less selfish and not hold him to such a high standard and talk to him so much. I should have been more considerate about his sleep schedule than I was about being intimate with him... once a week is enough intimacy to keep a marriage running smoothly...I should have been less selfish and not asked to be close to him so much. I was too demanding of him.
Now, my lovely Facebook, I am the only one who uses you. My problems should be solved. Mr. Wonderful cant misuse you anymore and I can't be hurt by who he is friends with anymore.
Wait a second... what was that? oh yeah, my mother in law just liked a picture... a picture of someone who better captured my husbands attention than I did.
Oh and whats that? yeah, thanks for reminding me of that... those same girls are his sisters best friends. The ones he saw at her wedding and swore to me that they were never a problem. He never did anything bad with them... ever. Why? because he is Mr. Wonderful. He doesn't have it in him to hurt me like that, remember?
oh wait.. there is more. You mean he did masturbate and fantasize about them....
His coworker that I reached out to share the gospel with she would never be a problem. He finds her so annoying. She and I are friends, she likes all my posts and pictures. Especially those of Mr. Wonderful and our child. She is nice that is all...
wait a second, you mean to tell me that they were more friendly than they should have been, his intentions were not pure at all. I didn't know that, well I mean, I suspected... but he promised me it wasn't like that.
Facebook, you seem to know so much about everyone, do you happen to know what Brittany looks like? you know, the woman he currently works with that he struggles to have pure thoughts about. Yeah, I would really like to know who is worth risking so much for.
Wow, she isn't what I thought she would be like. She isn't that much different than me. Thinner yes, but she hasn't borne children yet. She isn't the super model I thought she would have to be to capture his attention.
wait, she is friends with Sam- the other woman he works with and struggles with. Yes, please show me more.
Okay wow, she is gorgeous. needy and an emotional mess, but still gorgeous. I can't compete with that. I can see why he struggles... they are beautiful... it really must be my fault. I am just not pretty enough for him. Thanks for giving me the answers.. I can see it now.
Oh cool, here is his friend from work, the only safe friend because its a guy. WOAH- he is following strippers. Nice... Mr. Wonderful really enjoys his friendship. I hope he can stay friends but seeing what I see now.. I don't want him to be friends with someone who follows that.
This is all so hard. All I am getting is pain from our relationship facebook. You give me exactly what I want... which probably isn't what I need.
It hurts to see it all... to have access to it all. The self inflicted pain. If it wasn't that you are the easiest way to stay caught up with family and friends, I would be done with you by now. Speaking of which... that is hard too. I have to be careful with what I post, I am trying to be authentic now. But not too authentic... because that would make people sad. I will only share uplifting or happy news now with the occasional honest post with how I really feel. That isn't too much pressure, I can stifle my voice a little.
wait I can't do that anymore... its eating me up inside. I have to get it out... I need to share with someone. Its not perfectly written and probably doesn't make sense, but my voice needs to be heard, what I have to say needs to come out.
Facebook, you are a nice tool, but I can't express myself with you anymore. You aren't a safe place for me.
I wish I had known how dangerous and hurtful you could be... now I know.
I have learned a lot from you, but the most important lesson I have learned from you is that it is all fake. The numbers, the likes, the comments... none of that truly matters. What matters is that God loves me. That is something you haven't done a good job of reminding me about. Until you can do that, I can't be me with you. I need to find new avenues to find strength and support during this journey we call life. You will still be apart of my life... but I am finally taking my emotions and actively trying to find a better place to set them. I am going to remind myself every day that it doesn't really matter what people on social media think about me, I am an awesome person. Not because I do awesome things but because God loves me. I am enough.
I am truly enough.
I hope you become a better place to share that message with, until you do. Adieu...
and blogspot here I come ;)
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