my internal struggle with forgiving a man who may hurt me by his actions daily and trying to build a marriage with him too.
I feel like if I stay I am devaluing marriage and saying it doesn't really matter that one is faithful because I stayed anyways. if I leave then I am devaluing it because I didn't fight for it- there is no perfect choice, no easy way out. there is just pain every where, touching everything... and if I ignore it I feel okay for awhile. then it comes back to haunt me.
I spent my day planning a fun summer vacation... my husband just spent an hour trying to figure out the logistics of getting a car from his grandparents- then it hit me. We are moving on... but we aren't moving forward. no work on disclosure tonight- no disclosure from work. it felt quiet. I liked quiet. it didn't hurt. but now that it is time to go to bed... my mind races... what happened today. why does he get along so well with his coworkers and why does that make me feel so uneasy. I try to stop myself from going there... trust in God. it will be okay. I need to give Him my burden. what does that look like right now? how do I do that? I thought once a day was good enough... last night I realized its every time I try to take that pain back is when I need to pray and give it back. I want to cry though, so I take it anyways. crying validates what I am going through. it does hurt. this does suck.
I need to surrender more to God. I want to surrender more... but its hard work.
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