Pulled Under...

I feel like I am being pulled under. The darkness is overwhelming.. fighting back is too hard... it seems as if it is almost better to just give in. To stop trying...

My heart is heavy... heavy and beating fast.
Sadness and fear. Anger and distrust.

Longing for happiness...wanting to feel true joy and peace.
Too tired to do what I need to do to feel that peace.

So I say a tiny prayer in my heart- fear of that prayer being rejected keeps me from asking for what I really need.
Pride keeps me from begging... but I need relief. I can't keep this up. This lifestyle is not sustainable.

I feel like I am failing in every direction... I cannot keep everyone happy.
 That isn't my job, but I pretend it is. If I keep those around me happy than I can rationalize away my own needs. It doesn't matter if I am not happy- at least everyone else is and I can find happiness in that.  That won't work though...because I can't keep everyone happy.  By placing my happiness in the reactions of those around me I am setting myself up for a life full of disappointment and sadness.

So I am remind myself...  "You can't make everybody happy. You aren't a jar of Nutella."

(image credit unknown)

I laugh and think this is funny. I share it with family and they all think its funny. but lets talk about this for a second. Why does Nutella make everyone happy? is it because it gives with out receiving? By trying to take on the responsibility of keeping everyone else happy I run dry, I am emptied with no hope of ever getting caught up.  I am not nutella. I cannot make everybody happy.  So why do I try?

again its back to that self worth issue. Just like addicts the spouse of an addict, well any human being, can and at some point in their life will put their self worth into others hands. They will only love themselves because people like them. Because people talk to them, Because others want to be their friend.  Just like Nutella, that isn't a sustainable lifestyle.  What happens when the jar is empty? what happens when you don't have friends anymore? 

well you either become more desperate and lower your standards and self respect even more... or you hit your rock bottom and put your self worth in Gods hands. 

My hubby continues to put his self worth in others.... he continues to seek the approval of others. especially women. that hurts.  It hasn't mattered this whole time what I thought of him. What his family thinks of him...its not enough. It won't ever be enough if he only values himself in other peoples eyes. It isn't enough for me. I cannot get enough validation from those around me unless I put that in Gods hands.  If I love myself simply because I am a child of God... then I don't need the validation and approval of others to function. It is nice to have that validation. Family is here on earth to lift us up and build us up. but with my self worth placed in Gods hands I can be okay with out it.  I am enough. 

What a lovely concept... 

I am enough.

me simply being me is enough.  

now only to apply that into my life and to take it to heart. So much easier said than done. 

I needed to get pulled out of the darkness. I needed a good reminder that I am enough and that I am loved. I need hope. 

So I turn to music. Music is the balm to soothe my aching soul...

tonight's special is this beautiful hymn... 

Savior, Redeemer of my soul. 

1. 1. Savior, Redeemer of my soul,
   Whose mighty hand hath made me whole,
   Whose wondrous pow'r hath raised me up
   And filled with sweet my bitter cup!
   What tongue my gratitude can tell,
   O gracious God of Israel.
2. 2. Never can I repay thee, Lord,
   But I can love thee. Thy pure word,
   Hath it not been my one delight,
   My joy by day, my dream by night?
   Then let my lips proclaim it still,
   And all my life reflect thy will.
3. 3. O'errule mine acts to serve thine ends.
   Change frowning foes to smiling friends.
   Chasten my soul till I shall be
   In perfect harmony with thee.
   Make me more worthy of thy love,
   And fit me for the life above.

you can listen to it online but this is my favorite recording right now.