in·ten·tion
inˈten(t)SH(ə)n/
noun
- 1.a thing intended; an aim or plan."she was full of good intentions"
my favorite way to use the word intention growing up was describing what my future husband would do..."he will write me a letter with his intentions regarding me before I accept a date. We shall court properly" my sisters and I would go on and on about the benefits of such a proper courtship. It was the most romantic thing in my opinion, to have a man be so bold to share his intentions regarding you. No tricking or talking someone into liking you. Just plain, simple and upfront, I want to date with the intention of getting married.
Well obviously that didn't happen for me, my hubby was to ashamed of himself to share with me who he truly was. There was no letter, there was no thoughtful notes or poems (I am a huge Jane Austen fan and I would literally die from happiness if a guy I was dating wrote me a poem!) no thought at all actually. We had a handful of actual planned dates and then we spent so much time hanging out that we became good friends and he proposed an hour after he took me ring shopping to see what I like. Looking back on our "courtship" and wedding I want to cry. It was nothing like the 15 year old romantic in me wanted, there was no planned out proposal, no photographer hiding around to capture the moment, we used my camera in a not so discreet way. I saw the proposal coming about a thousand miles away. I look back at how I felt about that and I did feel let down... but my boy friend was proposing to me so I should be happy! I stuffed the feelings of disappointment and put on my happy face.
His intentions were to marry me, but he didn't intend to ever disclose to me who he truly was. His dark ugly sides, he kept that to himself. How can I love someone for who they are if I don't know them?
fast forward to having a baby. Hubby was working and going to school at the same time. Our baby had colic and I would be up until 7-8am rocking our baby and standing up with our baby because sitting down wasn't working the way standing up was. I know tons of moms deal with this and I wasn't the only one but I never felt so exhausted, so drained and so close to breaking. I know I didn't stay awake on my account, I know it wasn't my strength that kept me going through all of those sleepless nights. It was God. He strengthened me, I can see that now and I am grateful for that.
Because my husband was so hard working he would sleep a couple of hours before going to work and I would stay up with our child. I always stayed up with her. I sacrificed for him because he was sacrificing for me and that is what powerhouse couples do.
During his official disclosure to me he brought up that when we lived there he would access porn on a phone we used for alarms. I put that to the timeline and asked him... "so you watched porn while I stayed up with our child so you could sleep??? I NEEDED that sleep! how dare you do that to me!! That time of being up all night is what put me on the path to not getting my body back, I had to eat sugar to stay awake. You spent that time looking at hot women and all the while you forced me down that path of sheer exhaustion and desperation. I could have been "hot" again, but you couldn't support me and wait. You are so selfish."
he just took it all... he said sorry... it didn't fix it. His intentions were to have a lust fix no matter the cost to him and no matter the cost to those around him. He left me to struggle on my own, I still am not over this one. That form of betrayal hurts more than the physical betrayal. He left me stranded, I was alone, so very alone and all he could do was think of himself.
His intentions with talking to women at work have not been pure, he wants there attention. His intentions with telling me certain stories and talking bad about certain women was to throw me off the fact that he actually really liked those women and he was flirting with them and fantasizing about them while masturbating. His intention was to deceive me.... again and again. No matter the cost of the deception all that really mattered to him was himself. keeping his addiction secret and taking care of only himself. He got really good at manipulating and I got really good at doubting myself and we became the fake perfect couple. Everything was fine, neither one of us really talked to the other. I still tried but ultimately when ever I confided in him he would use whatever I told him to his advantage.
Intentions speak a lot about our heart. That is where they are found (not literally haha)
1 Samuel 16:7 But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.
all I saw were his actions, he sacrificed himself for us, he worked so hard for us, he was exhausted because of us. I didn't and couldn't see his intentions. I wasn't able to see how much of his exhaustion was self-inflicted, how his struggles were self inflicted.
The word intention has a negative connotation for me. It has for the last couple of months as I have slowly seen what my husbands intentions have been.
Recently in sunday school I realized the word intention can be used to describe goodness too. I get so caught up on bad about it I forget how it can be so good too!
I watched a class on journal writing and I don't know if they talked about it or if it was the Spirit but the impression I was left with was I need to live an intentional life. Life will be so hard without purpose! But I struggled to find what my intention was... to be the best mother? to be kind to everyone? to forgive everyone? what is my intention in this life?
So sunday we are reading in Alma 37- back story, Alma is counseling his son Helaman-
Alma 37:35 O, remember, my son, and learn wisdom in thy youth; yea, learn in thy youth to keep the commandments of God.
36 Yea, and cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and whithersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord; yea, let all thy thoughts be directed unto the Lord; yea, let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever.
37 Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day.
It hit me so hard and the Spirit testified to me that I don't need to come up with some great purpose in my life, God has one for me. One that is better than anything I could ever dream up... I need to live my life with the intention to do Gods will. His will! so simple yet so hard.
A friend just shared this song and I love it! Thy will be done... saying those words and meaning them is the greatest gift we can give God. For all He has done for us, the least we can do is trust in Him.
So my intention with this life is to do God's will. If my children and grand children can look back and say that I was an example of doing God's will I will be content and happy with my life. Having a fancy degree and making a huge difference in the world would be good and I would feel accomplished but I know true happiness will be found in doing God's will and trusting in Him. And that is the intention and legacy I want to leave in this life.
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