numb

music speaks to my soul like nothing else. 

David Archuleta's new song "Numb" has been on repeat. You can listen to it here. I think the lyrics are absolutely beautiful.  My favorite line from is in the chorus  

"it hurts to live so wide awake but its a chance I can take, I won't run run run 'cause I don't wanna feel numb."

I have been numb for so long, my whole marriage I was numb and it wasn't pretty. But I haven't been as numb lately, it hurts, the pain is real but now I have been able to feel joy too.  I am realizing how I am still numb in some ways, it challenges me to continue to change myself.  Its tempting to go back to being numb, especially when the pain starts to come from all angles. But I am seeing these experiences as learning oppotrunites instead of opportunities to run away :)   I am learning to really trust God, to speak my truth to Him and to those around me. To not be afraid to tell God when I am disappointed with how things are turning out. To share with God how I am scared to trust Him again because I didn't like the way it turned out last time.  I have been spiritually numb the last couple of days, I couldn't quiet place why. In writing about it and thinking about it I realized I have once again closed myself off from God. Because I was upset with Him for telling me to do something when it brought on challenges I didn't want.
So now I need to act on that knowledge and have some honest and real conversations with God.
I don't really want to be numb, so I am going to embrace the pain and know that joy will follow.